The Top 5 Worst People to Get into a Fight With

When you're walking the mean streets it can be easy to get into it with a random person. By "it" I mean a violent confrontation. When considering who to engage in a street fight with it's very important to be selective. There are certain people you never want to fight even if you are an outstanding fighter. Here are the top 5 worst kinds of people to get in a street fight with:

5. Suicidal individuals

You might be thinking, but Binkie, why is fighting a suicidal person a bad idea? Wouldn’t that be easier since they have no will to live? Wouldn’t they be easier to incapacitate? There may be some truth to that, but the key thing to remember when fighting someone who’s suicidal is they don’t care about anything. If they’re really hellbent on fighting you then they’ll go all out and resort to some self-sacrificing tactics that you may not be ready for. It’s like fighting a kamikaze. They’re going to be a complete wildcard and the more chaos you introduce into a fight, the more that can go wrong.

Never fight someone who has nothing to lose.

4. Children

Sometimes you run into a few dumbass kids that might be part of a little gang and they’re attacking an elderly lady. You step in to save the old lady and now all of a sudden you’re in staredown with a quintet of misguided youths. This is a pretty bad situation to be in because as soon as you connect with a punch you’re technically committing child abuse. The best thing to do in this situation is actually to run away which looks ridiculous and unfortunately any women who see this will immediately put you on their “Do not fuck” list. But really what do they expect? Do you really want me to beat the shit out of these kids? How does that make me more of a man? Think about it, ladies. Think about it...

When you're fighting kids it's never an even fight.

3. Nuns

You rarely come into a situation where you need to throw down with a nun, but when it happens it’s bad. Nuns are usually older women so you tend to underestimate them. Before you know it you’re on the ground with a black eye and the nun is taunting you yelling “You don’t want nun of this!” That’s a very embarrassing moment in my life.

They're not afraid to swing that thing.

2. Dwarfs

I have no moral quandaries when it comes to fighting a “dwarf” or “m-word” or “individual of a height less than 4’10” or whatever you wish to call them. The reason I avoid fighting them is because they’re usually right at eye level with your junk which basically means all they need to do is rush forward with their teeth and they’ve scored a TKO. The second problem is, in a street fight there’s no ref to get the little guy or gal off you before they do some serious lacerating to your ghost pepper and or spice bag. Yes, I refer to my penis and testicles as a ghost pepper and spice bag, don’t ask.

Remember, Yoda was technically a dwarf.

And the number one worst type of people to get into a fight with is...

1. Military veterans

This is a no-brainer. Even though some people think military veterans can be a little cocky walking around with their shiny prosthetic limbs going into Outback Steakhouse, getting free bloomin’ onions, and acting like they own the joint, they’ve earned that right. If a military veteran is giving you a hard time for whatever reason, just thank them for their service and pull out of the situation. Don’t make the same mistake their leaders did and get into a fight you really shouldn’t be in. Nothing good ever comes of that. Best case scenario you get a lucky punch in, knock her out, and look like a complete asshole who may as well be committing an act of treason.

You know you're tough when you can wear a corset and still look manly.