Ask McFartnuggets: “How Was The Everlasting Gobstopper Supposed to Put Slugworth Out of Business?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Lemme get this straight, Willy Wonka invented the Everlasting Gobstopper to put his rival Slugworth out of business. Now the Everlasting Gobstopper was a candy that you could suck and suck and suck and suck and it would never get any smaller and it was made for poor kids. This seems like a severely flawed business model for a candy. Candies make money because they get used up fast so releasing a candy that would last someone until the end of time isn’t exactly what I’d call a smart financial move. I don’t see how that would specifically lead to Slugworth going out of business. I do see how it could put Wonka out of business including Slugworth and everyone else in the candy business out on their ass. What would be the point of that? Creating an Everlasting Gobstopper would be like creating the cure for Cancer. Money comes from repeat business not a cure-all! Not to mention those Gobstoppers must have gotten filthy as hell with kids taking them out their mouths and just puttin them on a nightstand. That’s some sickening shit right there. There’s no way that product would have lasted on the market. -- Craynifa from Worcester, Massachusetts

Dear Craynifa:

Yes there were some flaws with the concept of the Everlasting Gobstopper, but there’s no doubt in my mind that it would have been a financial boon for Wonka. The Gobstopper could have in effect ended all world hunger. The amount of positive press Wonka would have gotten from that would have been insane. Then to top it all off, everyone would have an EG and the Wonka brand would be in every single home and every single mouth on the planet. If people could be sated merely by a single sucking candy then I might agree with you about the business model being flawed, however people would crave other flavors, textures, and candies which would lead them to desire more of Wonka’s confections. Ultimately, he would have become the rule of the world.

They also made real lickable wallpaper, but wall herpes put an end to that in a big hurry. 

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