Ask McFartnuggets: “How Do I Get That Last Little Bit of Poop Out?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’ve been pooping for the better part of 36 years now and I still can’t figure out what to do when I get that little bit of poop stuck right inside my butthole I don’t know what happens, it’s like it’s stuck in anal purgatory. It’s too small for gravity to take effect and for me to get any grip on it with my butt sphincter, but it’s too big to forget about. It’s too far in to wipe out and too far out to ignore because if I leave it up there it will just slide out slowly throughout the course of my day into my pants. What is the best way to mitigate this problem? -- Carlita from Miami, Florida

Dear Carlita:

Yes I know this problem very well. The first thing you can do to proactively prevent something like this from happening is consume mass quantities of fiber. This will help bind your feces together into nice convenient whole blocks. There may always be some stragglers left behind, but this will help. Now if it’s too late and you’ve got those little pebbles stuck in the vestibule of your anus what you need to do is give it a good push. That means you need to get gassy and get gassy fast. Eat beans and drink coffee (bean juice) anything that your body can quickly digest and create farts from. Then once you feel yourself getting gassy finish the job and send those bastards out like you just opened a plane emergency exit at 30,000 feet.

It's important not to strain. It rarely helps and could cause serious injury.

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