Ask McFartnuggets: “How Come Only Humans Get Weird Birth Defects?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Have you ever noticed how only human babies get all these really messed up birth defects? Example: a human baby will be born with its heart hanging by an intestine outside of its body or be born with no eyeballs and genitals or a human baby will be born with all of its skin inside out and no feet. Meanwhile, when was the last time you saw a chimpanzee with harlequin ichthyosis or a dog born with no face? -- Larry from Butte, Montana

Dear Larry:

While it’s true you don’t see as many animals with bizarre birth defects as you do humans, that doesn’t mean it never happens. In fact, one of the main reasons you never see let’s say a gorilla born with an arm growing out of its ass, is because that baby gorilla will almost always be tossed aside and left to die alone. Usually when animals have birth defects they’re completely helpless and unable to thrive which is why the mother throws it away. It serves the animals no purpose to continue caring for a child that won’t be able to procreate. We as humans are a little more evolved so we still want to care for a child even if it has a lifeless vestigial limbless twin attached to its face. Also because of the media and internet, when a really insane human birth defect occurs it’s generally made public. If a Picasso baby is born with ears growing out of its eye sockets, you know we’re going to hear about it as much as the latest Jay-Z album. Meanwhile, a nature documentary film crew stumbling onto a lion born with no legs would be pretty rare. It’s pretty hard to find something like that in the tall grass of the Serengeti. And finally, if it is true that human birth defects occur at a higher incidence than other animals it likely has to do with plethora of chemicals that we consume unknowingly along with the fact that the human genetic code is a bit more advanced than other animals. When you’re baking a really complex cake there’s a much higher chance of you fucking up and having the cake come out of the oven with no asshole.

You don't see many koalas like this, but you normally wouldn't see humans like this either. Doctors do a way better job at keeping birth defect babies alive than wildlife veterinarians.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com