How To Be Drunk At Work Without Anyone Noticing

Anyone who’s ever been an alcoholic knows that the best time to be drunk is at work. There are so many benefits. It makes boring jobs fun and by the time you sober up it’s usually time to go home and it’s like you were never even there. The trick of course is to keep people from noticing you’re drunk otherwise you can be fired. Here are three relatively simple tips to help you be drunk at work with no one being the wiser:

1. Pretend to have allergies.

If you tell everyone you have really bad allergies then that explains away most drunk symptoms. Just have a bunch of tissues with you, throw in a fake sneeze every once in awhile, take a Claritin and the dizziness, foggy headedness, glossy eyes, and confusion will be more excusable.

This will also help explain why you're crying.

2. Use Purell a lot.

If you can convince people that you’re OCD and germaphobic then that gives you a decent reason to smell like alcohol. If you’re doused in Purell on a near constant basis it’s pretty difficult for anyone to notice when you’ve been drinking. Because Purell is ethanol, the same type of alcohol people drink, it’s a great cover. Plus, being drunk can weaken your immune system so using Purell all the time will actually compensate for that and help you avoid getting sick.

You can actually just put vodka in a Purell bottle.

3. Be the goofy person at work.

Now this is really only possible to do at a new job, but if you can pull it off it’s the best. When you’re the goofy guy at work and you’re always joking around and trying to make people laugh no one will ever notice you’re drunk especially if you add in the first two tips. If you’re the guy going around giving wet willies and doing silly walks, your sobriety and intoxication are nearly indistinguishable. Now if you’re a button downed serious type who takes their job seriously then you’re going to get caught being drunk at work because your breakdancing will be seen as uncharacteristic and suspicious. The key is to have drunk behavior be nothing unusual. If you’re going to try this at a job where you’re not the goofy person yet, start gradually doing goofy shit while sober and make sure everyone knows you’re sober. Do this for long enough until it becomes normal and then start adding in the alcohol gradually so as to not arouse suspicion.

If you've established a goofy persona at work, interpretive dance and random tribal screaming should be nothing suspicious. Not so if you haven't.