Dear McFartnuggets:
For some reason when I fart it always sounds like a question and I get very embarrassed by this. I’ve actually had people say “I don’t know” to me after I accidentally fart near them. How can I fart in a more confident, affirmative tone? I’m sick of having weak and timid farts! Help me! -- Irwin from Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Dear Irwin:
The key to having strong, declarative farts is fiber. Make sure there’s enough grain in your digestive tract to break down and produce the gas you need to make statement farts. Often times if there’s a lack of gas, what little gas you have will get trapped near the butthole and that’s what leads to the fart coming out without enough force. The fart then lingers in the ass just enough during propulsion to give it that high note at the end which is a common characteristic of how people ask questions. Sometimes people think they can just eat Chipotle or Taco Bell to give them stronger farts and the farts still end up sounding like questions. They’re questions from the anus like “Why are you doing this to me?” Farting is just like talking, if you want to sound more stern you have to furrow your eyebrow (or asshair in this case) and apply some exertion. The critical thing is to make sure you don’t have a turd in the firing chamber or you could end up shitting yourself and that’s a statement you damn sure don’t want to make.
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