Dumbass Sayings: “Make Ends Meet”

Sometimes when you meet up with an ex they tell you about how awful things have been going for them since you broke up. They say shit like “It’s terrible. My world has been destroyed. I ended up losing my job and now I’m struggling to make ends meet!” Pardon me, but what ends are you attempting to make meet exactly? Ends to what? And why must they meet? So let me get this straight, when people have a lot of money then the ends are met? What does that even mean? The only way this saying makes sense is if you’re paying hookers to rub their butts together or something. Then you’ve got enough money to make ends meet. Maybe you’re saving up for some crazy German science experiment where you’re planning to stitch two people’s assholes together to see what happens when you keep feeding them the same exact amounts of food. I’d sincerely hope that’s not what your plan is, but at least that would correlate with what you’re saying. Unless you’re doing these odd things, I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about and you need to stop saying things that don’t make sense. How’s this for an idea? Only say things you understand thoroughly. Maybe this is the reason you lost your job. You keep saying shit you don’t even know about.

People who have the spare time to do jigsaw puzzles are usually pretty good at making ends meet.

Ask McFartnuggets: “What’s The Best First Impression to Do on a Job Interview?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I have a big job interview coming up and I want to make sure I nail it. I’ve been reading advice online and most of the advice highlights that first impressions are critical. Since first impressions are so lasting and important which impression do you think I should start off with? Jack Nicholson? Christopher Walken? Or maybe something a little more modern like Caitlyn Jenner? -- Randall from Long Island, New York

Dear Randall:

Okay first off, I don’t think you’re supposed to be doing actual impressions. Unless you’re going to an acting audition the term “impression” is just a figure of speech. I would particularly advise against a Caitlyn Jenner impression as that may possibly offend your interviewer. However, if you must do an impression at a normal job interview I would recommend doing an impression of successful business people or U.S. Presidents like Steve Jobs or Franklin Delano Roosevelt. That way it shouldn’t be obvious that you’re doing an impersonation, but the interviewer will get the sense that you’re very qualified and will likely do a good job. That’s the kind of impression that will leave a lasting impression. Thanks for the question and good luck!

Just make sure not to do your impression of the interviewer. They don't like that.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Live Life to the Fullest”

Sometimes a guy who skydives will tell you to “Live life to the fullest!” This sounds like it’s encouraging overeating. You should live life to be pretty full, but there’s absolutely no reason to be the FULLEST. It’s okay not to be at 100% stuffed capacity at all time. You can be at 90% and there’s nothing wrong with that. I think that’s the problem with the world today. Too many people are hogging up resources in an effort to live life to the fullest and that’s detrimental to humanity as a whole. Let’s say you have 9 people living life to the fullest. Well, if you’ve got 9 people filling themselves to only 90% then that allows for a complete extra tenth person to have 90% resources. Even if this saying is referring to having adventures and shit, you actually can’t live life to the fullest. You can’t always be having exciting shit happen to you. Eventually that gets exhausting and you need to take a break at which point you have to excrete some of the fullness you’ve been experiencing. You shouldn’t live life to the fullest, you should live to what makes you comfortable and anyone who’s ever stuffed themselves eating too much knows that’s the fullest isn’t comfortable, it’s stupid.

This saying should be nothing more than a competitive eating slogan.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Pointless to Give Blind People a Standing Ovation?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

If there’s a blind performer either singing or tap dancing and they’re doing a great job you want to show your appreciation with a standing ovation, but the can’t see you standing so why do people still do it? Wouldn’t it be easier to just say to blind people “Okay we will clap for you if you do a good job, but if you’re REALLY good then we’ll make owl noises like HOOO HOOO HOOOO HOOOO HOOO HOOOOOOO!!!” Don’t you think that might be a little easier? Then the blind people hear the owl noises and it makes them feel extra special. Why isn’t this the way people handle this situation? It’s only hurting the blind people really. -- Fran from Tampa Bay, Florida

Dear Fran:

I’m pretty sure experienced visually impaired people can hear the difference between seated applause and standing applause. If they’re musicians or singers then they likely have a very strongly trained ear so it’s not out implausible that they could detect the rise in height. Also you should be able to hear people standing up out of their chairs. Some visually impaired people use sonar clicking with their tongues to see where objects are. I think if you can pull that off, knowing you’re getting a standing ovation would be child’s play. Never underestimate the visually impaired!

Good thing they can't see that jacket either.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Beheading”

When some guy on your cruise ship jumps in the water and gets his head cut off by a the boat propeller everyone screams “Oh my god he was BEHEADED!” He was BEheaded? I have a problem with this word. The prefix “be-” can mean a few different things. For example the word “befeather” means to cover in feathers. So “beheading” should mean covering someone in heads. If you’re removing a head from someone then that should obviously just be called a “deheading.” Deheading can’t mean anything else. Everyone would know what you meant when you said “Frank got deheaded.” If you say “Frank got beheaded” who knows maybe it means a voodoo witch doctor gave him a necklace of shrunken skulls to wear at a dinner party. Technically that would constitute being “beheaded.” 

The fact that “deheaded” isn’t even a word is preposterous. When someone gets their head cut off it’s called a “decapitation.” I don’t see where people decided to all of a sudden switch things up there. It’s right there in front of you. DEcapitaiton = DEheading. It’s not a Becapitation. This is one of those instances where English gets excessive. “Capitation” means “a numbering or accessing by head.” So when you’re DEcapitated that means your head is lopped off and you’re no longer counted as part of the population because you’re dead or DEceased. You’re not BEceased. Deheading should be the word we use. Case closed.

The only way "Beheading" makes sense is if you're referring to the audience. Then when the head flies off into the crowd, the people are BEstowed with a head. 

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Deep Do They Bury Coffins in Countries That Use The Metric System?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Hey everyone knows you bury a person six feet deep when they die, but what do people in England, South America, Europe, and Asia do? They don’t use feet! How the hell can they know what six feet is? That’s like 1.8288 meters! One foot is 0.3048 meters. How the heck are you supposed to measure that six times? Isn’t it easier to just put two yard sticks together? People always talk about the American measurement system being inefficient and how metric is so much better. Well not when burying corpses! -- Nicky from Portland, Maine

Dear Nicky:

Well, 1.8288 meters is called a fathom so they bury people a fathom deep. Of course measuring that out exactly is probably not as easy as using two yard sticks as you mentioned, but I’m sure they manage to do it. It’s not like it has to be exact to the decimal point. I’m sure you could just throw a dead body into a hole a little less than 2 meters deep and call it a day. The tradition of burying corpses six feet deep actually came from England when they were dealing with the plague. Back then “feet” were a measurement that came from the Romans because people used body parts to measure things. They used feet and palms lengths which goes to show you how much of a shit they gave about being exact about burial depths. The important thing is that the corpse is deep enough to keep the plague germs away and that’s still good advice even to this day.

The important thing is to bury someone deep enough so you can't hear all their annoying screaming.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Go Big or Go Home”

Whenever you’re a part of some kind of baking competition people will run up to you and scream “THIS IS THE BIG STAGE NOW, BITCH! GO BIG OR GO HOME!” into your face. Jesus, calm down. Even if you were in a competition to cure cancer that would be a little too over the top. This is a questionable ultimatum to begin with. If I have the choice between “Going big” (whatever the hell that means) and going home, that’s not an obvious choice. I might just go home. That’s not a problem. That actually sounds quite relaxing and soothing right about now. I like home. That’s why it’s called home! It’s a comfortable place to be. Now if this saying was “Go big or go fuck yourself” or “Go big or go to Hell!” then I could understand the importance of “Going big.” Does this mean that homeless people are constantly going big? If that’s the case, going big might be a tad overrated. Big is not the opposite of home. This is a heavily flawed expression.

Okay I'll go home. I don't give a shit.

Ask McFartnuggets: "Why Is Ageism Not Taken As Seriously as Racism?"

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I think Ageism is one of the biggest problems facing the world today. So many people are discriminated against because of their age and it’s just accepted. What is the difference between judging someone incorrectly based on their race and their age? They’re both things that people can’t control and are the source of painful stereotypes. Even sexism is a problem seen as more important than ageism! Ageism is the only one of these big three problems that will affect EVERYONE. Why isn’t it taken more seriously? A White man in America doesn’t have to experience racism or sexism, but he will most likely experience ageism. It affects us all! -- Dorian from Lafayette, Georgia

Dear Dorian:

The thing is, any ageist likely has a beloved member of their family who is in the age range they hate. That’s not always true with racists. Not every racist has Puerto Rican grandparents. If they did and they hated Puerto Ricans you might stop taking them seriously as a racist. Also, you can’t really be ageist against a specific age. No one hates 65-year-olds on the nose, but a racist can specifically hate people from the Phillipines. An ageist would just feel negative toward old people in general which is like a racist saying they feel negative toward everyone in the continent of Asia. That would technically have to include Russia and India and from a racist perspective that doesn’t really make much sense. Ageism by its nature paints hatred with broad strokes, (i.e. discrimination against anyone with grey hair) of course the broader the stroke the thinner the hate and thus the less impactful and threatening. For example, you never see someone beating a person to death because they have grey hair. Also a lot of ageism is a little more valid than racism. If someone gets passed up for a job because they’re 80 then it may be because the employer doesn’t think they’re physically capable of it. Now that’s wrong to assume, but it’s a proven scientific fact that the older you get the closer to death you become and the more your body will deteriorate. It is NOT a proven scientific fact that all Mexicans steal. That’s ultimately why ageism isn’t taken as seriously as racism or even sexism.

Ageism doesn't make sense because we all get older. Racism doesn't make sense either, but we don't all become Dominican.

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