Ask McFartnuggets: “Are There Alternatives to The Squatty Potty?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Okay this is is a little difficult to ask. I’ve been having problems all my life pooping. My whole life as far as I can remember I’ve been having trouble getting all of it out. I just thought this was a normal thing I had to deal with. Every time I pooped I would feel leftovers up there and I usually have to poop a second time just to get everything out. Then I hear about this thing the Squatty Potty which is like a stool for your stool. It elevates you up a little higher so you can have a more ergonomic poop stance. This could be the answer to all my problems, but it’s so embarrassing to have around in your bathroom. I don’t want to have company over and have them see or find my Squatty Potty! That would be mortifying. Is there any other possible way to get the effects of the squatty potty without actually buying that product? -- Warren from Charleston, South Carolina

Dear Warren:
This is a conundrum a lot of people are facing believe it or not. The Squatty Potty could be the next iPhone, but you’re right it is very embarrassing. One simple yet elegant substitute is to get a pair of high heeled shoes to wear while you’re pooping. This would elevate your legs and act basically like two smaller squatty potties under your feet. Then if you have people over and they find those you can just say they belong to a chick you slept with the other night. When they ask why her feet were so big you can just try to change the subject. At that point they’ll just assume you’re banging a Sasquatch and it would never occur to them that you’re having difficulty shitting or in need a Squatty Potty alternative. Good luck!

Sometimes you gotta shit in style.

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