Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Don’t Schools Teach Kids The Truth About Christopher Columbus?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
History has shown us that Christopher Columbus didn’t discover the Americas. When he arrived there were indigenous people already there and he brutally colonized the area, killing countless people and stealing their land. The other day my son came home from school telling me all about how great Christopher Columbus was and how he was responsible for America. Why then are schools to this day still teaching kids this crud? Why don’t they tell them the truth? Now I have to tell my son the truth! -- Dugan from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Dear Dugan:
Well, as long as Columbus Day is a holiday that’s recognized by America, teachers have to explain Christopher Columbus to their students. It’d be nice if we could just forget all about what happened there, but the kids will ask who he was and why it’s Columbus Day. When that happens you need to paint it in the best most innocent light possible for young kids. That’s where the old “In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue” rhyme comes into play. For some reason “In 1492, Columbus raped that ass blue” doesn’t have the same ring to it. I think it’s a little too early to explain the concept of rape and ethnic cleansing to kindergarten kids. The teachers don’t tell them the truth for the same reason it’s difficult for you to tell your son the truth. It’s better to just lie to the kids for the time being and let them grow up and read the facts. If you want to tell them the truth then that’s up to you, but they’ll probably be emotionally and mentally unprepared for it. It’s like the difference between raising a child to be religious versus telling them we’re alone in the universe. Just let them figure it out on their own when they’re ready.

Of course Columbus was a bad dude, just look at him flashing gang signs.

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