Five Great Ways To Hold in a Bowel Movement

Sometimes you have to
delay the inevitable.

Sometimes you get hit with the urge to take a dump and for whatever reason you can’t unleash the kraken. Maybe you’re in an elevator or at a stranger’s house and you don’t feel comfortable in their bathroom, whatever the reason there are some ways you can delay a bowel movement. Here are my five favorite ways to put nature’s call on hold:

1. Avoid drinking water.

Water is a natural laxative. It helps the body do what it does and that includes pooping. If you’re all dried out inside then that obviously provides the feces less natural lube to just slide out which gives you better traction on what’s going on down there.

Water is like the transmission fluid for your crap engine.

2. Take your mind off the issue.

The best thing you can do to keep from crapping is not even think about it. This is easier said than done, but the body will only crap when it's focused on the task. You never see someone running from the cops shitting in their pants because even if they need to take a dump, their minds are totally focused on something else.

Texting while driving can cause a messy disaster, texting while needing to crap can prevent one. 

3. Become aroused.

You'll notice that in most instances, you won't shit yourself during sex. This is a natural function that allows humans to procreate properly because nothing ruins the mood like a bed full of feces, unless you're German or something.

Not sure what's happening in this picture, but I can tell you what ISN'T and that's a bowel movement.

4. Drink chocolate lattes.

Chocolate, dairy, and caffeine are all known to cause constipation unless you're lactose intolerant. So drinking a coffee with milk and chocolate should clog your system up pretty well. That's called a triple whammy.

Drinking a bunch of these is like having your digestive system stare at Medusa.

5. Put a butt plug up your ass.

This of course is for emergency situations only. If you really can't afford to take a dump, put a form fitting butt plug up your ass then seal it over with duct tape. This is going Eventually the pressure will build up and force it out, but this should buy you an hour or two. I wouldn't recommend keeping it in longer than that because you will feel some negative health effects.  

A discomforting last resort.

Honorable mention: Heroin

I didn't put this in the main list because it's illegal. I don’t recommend the use of heroin, but if for some reason it was a life or death situation and you needed to stop yourself from pooping yeah I’d probably go with heroin. It would have to be life or death though and I don’t really see how that would ever be a scenario you get yourself into. Most of the time if it’s between taking heroin and shitting your pants I’d go shitting the pants unless it was just a tiny bit of heroin. Any more than a lil’ bit of heroin and you’re risking some serious side effects including death.

Heroin and caffeine seem like opposites, yet they both constipate. Strange how that works.