The Top 5 Alternatives To Shredding Documents

Shredding is a waste of time.

Because identity theft is one of the biggest threats out there aside from Ebola and ISIS, the shredding business is booming. Everyone wants to buy a shredder, everyone wants to pay for shredding services, but did you know there are alternatives to shredding? Yes, there are certain things you can do to achieve the same security by ruining your documents without having to shell out hundreds of dollars to shred them. Here are the top 5 alternatives to shredding:

5. Pee

Instead of shredding your documents, just put them in a big garbage bag and pee into the bag. You may have to keep it off to the side and pee in it for a few days to get every page full soaked, but when they are the acid in your pee will break the inks down and make them near impossible to read.

Pitchers of urine aren't just for drinking anymore!

4. Crap

Maybe peeing is too tame for you. Maybe you want to kick the security up a notch. Well all you have to do is take a garbage bag full of your sensitive documents and take a huge dump in it. Add a few cups of water then tie the bag off and shake it up. Please make sure you have a strong and waterproof garbage bag. When all the documents are coated in a nice film of feces you can rest assured no one is going to be snooping around in it.

This is all you need to destroy sensitive documents.

3. Dead rat

The great thing about putting a dead rat in your garbage bag full of documents is the identity thief probably won’t see it til it’s too late. They’ll be going through your papers and then a rotten smell will hit them. They’ll realize they’ve been touching things covered in dead rat germs and they may even get the plague or Hantavirus. Simple shredding won’t do that.

No one wants to get the plague. It makes your eyes all blurry.

2. Blood

If you really want to get serious in the document security game, bleed a decent amount (up to a pint) into your garbage bag of documents. Then, and here’s the kicker, you place a printed out positive AIDS test in the bag. Lab studies have shown that HIV and AIDS can live for up to six days in dried blood so this should really freak out an identity thief. They’ll be too busy out getting their own AIDS test to be opening credit cards in your name. Hopefully by the time their scare is over they’ve learned their lesson.

There's no perfect way to ruin documents, but the pain is worth it.

And the number one alternative to shredding your documents is...

1. All of the above.

Yes. I’m talking about peeing and shitting in your bag of documents then throwing a couple dead rats in there for good measure. When you’re done with that, the next time you have a nosebleed just hang your nose over the bag and fill that sucker up. Throw the AIDS test in there and BAM! Who in the hell is going to want to mess with that? It’s simply not worth the trouble for an identity thief, they’ll just go to your neighbor’s documents. The best thing is it’s totally free and it adds a psychological element to the game of cat and mouse with identity thieves. These methods turn the tables and make the hunter the hunted. Standard shredding won’t do that.

If you use these methods you'll never have to deal with messes like this again.