Are Mall Cop Movies a Sign That Humanity Has Run its Course?

I understand that there is a shortage of original ideas for big budget motion pictures these days, but how were there two movies about mall cops this year (with room for more in the summer and fall)? Mall cops have been depicted humorously in film and TV before, they tend to be a part of life for many bored suburban teens, but that doesn't excuse this. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" made $145,501,364 in the American box office along with $30,950,300 in the rest of the world, which I'm guessing was mostly Canada and Malaysia.

Then came "Observe and Report" which did significantly less making of money with an overall profit of around 5 million dollars. These films were a big departure from the past, like back when movies coming out in the same year with nearly exact premises, premisis, premesisis... "Armageddon" and "Deep Impact" grossed a combined 900 million dollarooskis in 1998. Prior to that was the '93-94 connection of similar baseball kid movies "Rookie of the Year" and "Little Big League" that grossed: God knows what because no one paid attention back then! It was a better time!

Have you noticed a trend? In the early 90's everything was going well aside from the Middle East which is always f*cked. But we were living in a world where a kid could dream about being involved in Major League Baseball. We still had hopes and dreams that didn't involve CGI. All along a giant wave was forming. The wave was made of our aspirations for the future, technology, and fear. That's when we started getting really interested in the end of the world (which is now what every other movie is about). The figurative tidal wave swept us all clean of our whimsical past and brought us into this new cold, barren world of robotic living. "Armageddon" and "Deep Impact" were our last gasps of breath. Since then there have been great movies, but when you're dealing with two movies at a time based on the same thing, that's a societal trend.

So now we're at mall cops... Let me recap:
(1993-1994) Baseball...

Who wouldn't want to go see these movies after seeing the joy depicted in the posters?

(1998) End of the world...

Not nearly as joyful, but still, at least exciting.

...Mall Cops (2009)

Please notice the mimicry the mall cop movie posters pulled on the baseball movie posters... Clouds THEN white? Clouds have nothing to do with mall cops, baseball sure, but mall cops? I'm onto you bastards!

Don't think of mall cops as something rising from the ashes, they are merely the destruction left behind. Thankfully they aren't a huge deal the likes of Hannah Montana... but they are an indicator of where we are at as a world culture. This is all we have left. There will be shimmers of promise, but like the football player who falls out of his fishing boat floating in chilling waters for a day, the light you see is just a trick your brain is playing on itself. Could mall cops be the next cowboys? Could we be entering a world where there's an entire film genre devoted entirely to mall security? I hope not, but fortunately the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would then rip through the screen and slice everyone's heads off with broadswords to ease the pain. Let's avoid any more asteroid/comet collision ideas, it's been done!

Doesn't this look more fun? Okay fine, let it be an asteroid, like I give a crap.

1 comment :

  1. I have an alternate theory, sir.

    There has been lots of really kickass gory zombie films set in and around malls. This makes the Crown Corporation Mall Authority edgy. If they don't come up with the Reptillian Bosses' cut, they get sent to Space Prison with Electro Torture inside a twisted, repeating time torus that doesn't officially exist to the outside omniverse. So, they are not motivated to let anyone have trepidation about malls due to zombie movies.

    Hence - mall cop movies that melt your heart and make it ok to be fat in america, again! Loveable big porkers, rejoice, you are going to possibly get mercy fucked! There will be lots of business for malls, you will make enough money to buy a car, mall cop! So you can buy gas that is being bought by American and Iraqui blood everyday! So the Consgressional Military Industrial Multi-national Complex can squeeze every last penny they can out of us, they need more apartment buildings to keep all the poor hot mistresses they are creating with this planned financial meltdown...

    What was I saying?