Did you know manatees give head?

It turns out an author has discovered that animals like manatees engage in odd sexual behaviors purely for fun. One of those behaviors includes the act of oral sex... It's true (that the author thinks this) but don't take my word for it, watch this video!

Haha, you actually thought I was going to show you a video of two manatees blowing each other... Do you really think if I had a video like that I would be sharing it? Anywho, I'm not making this up, though I wish I was because as I picture a manatee going down on a walrus I suddenly feel not so fresh. It's all the claim of author Jonathan Balcombe. In a Jennifer Viegas article for Discovery, she quoted Balcombe's paper from Applied Animal Behavior Science:

"Oral sex that appears purely for pleasure has been documented in goats, hyenas, various primates, manatees, bats and sheep,' said Balcombe, who added that homosexuality is practiced within at least 300 species. Masturbation, even among certain birds, has also been noted."

Great! Masturbating birds? If I didn't have enough to think about, now I have to worry about the level of whiteness in the pigeon crap that just fell into my mouth. I thought it was bad enough they were just sh!tting on me!

Now there's a pretty good chance that this Balcombe character is just making all of this up for a quick appearance in Binkie McFartnuggets' Mansion of Mania, but if it is true, then that means that animals might be more complex and like us than we've ever dreamed possible. Don't you think you would stop for a second before shooting a bird out of the sky for fun if you knew that he liked to fondle his own doodad just the way you're going to once you get home from the hunting trip? I mean think about it, that's empathy at its finest.

Which leads me to this other story about, what else? Strapping cameras onto the backs of tortoises in the Galapagos. Apparently they're doing this to be able to study the rare behaviors of the giant tortoise. This might seem fun, but surely no one would enjoy having a camera on their ass. Even if they don't notice it, it's still pretty intrusive. Are you saying it's okay to put a camera on a mentally handicapped person to follow their day-to-day life for your benefit?

Maybe the tortoises don't really mind, but what if the camera captures a couple of manatees in a compromising situation that they thought man would never be able to witness? They're already overweight, let's not make them feel worse about themselves. Why not just send a pod of slim, slick dolphins to swim by at the same time to mock them with echolocation and high pitched squeaks? Leave these animals alone!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

1 comment :

  1. Might I add that we send the best looking and most fit of dolphins, sir, to mock the fat fucking walrusses, as well? Maybe this shame will make them grow some thumbs so they can til some crops and eat more vegetables! Slacker fatties!