Why do we use animal furs for clothing? Have you forgotten how hairy a human can be?
I'm not some crazy animal rights activist, but I do believe animals deserve our respect. That is why I among no one, have begun the act of shaving my own fur off and donating (forcibly in some cases) to clothing stores, retail outlets, and even a Best Buy, to decrease the world's need for animal pelts. I know that if we can all get together and sacrifice our own body hair, it can go into the production of scarves, mittens, ski hats, and (in some Italian/Middle Eastern cases) trench coats. The best part is, no one has to die, hopefully.
I understand that human body hair is not as fine or prized as animal fur, but with a little simple care and conditioning, your body fuzz can be as sought after as that of a Moroccan Minx. Billions of animals' lives will be saved so that they can go on and live their thrilling lifestyles without being harassed for their hair by some freak typing a blog...
Now like every good thing in life, some things can be taken too far. When I saw this news story, I got a very worried feeling. I can only hope that these kidnappers took the child for his hair to harvest it while he's alive, but they had better know that justice will be served in one form or another. If you're reading this punks, get your own God damned hair!
So that's about it, go down to your local drug store, pick up some disposable razors, a box of Hefty bags, and get crackin'. And NO SHAVING CREAM! I cannot stress this enough! It must be bare hair! BARE HAIR! I know that sounds rough, but the cream or any other lubricant would damage the hair and make it unusable. Do you think anyone would want to open up a bag of hairy cream?
In case you aren't sure where to start, here's a helpful diagram:
And that's just the FRONT! Notice how I blocked out areas you should avoid, merely for your own sake. If you do feel skilled enough, be my guest; you'll find some of the best hair, but know the consequences of your actions both mentally and physically. Why are you still reading this? Start shaving!
May the blades of your razor remain unclogged until you have a sufficient bag of hair,