Is it safe to give your chimp Xanax?

They found Xanax in Travis' (The Connecticut Actor Chimp) (Is that the grammatically correct way to write that sentence? No not this one, that one! Well actually this one still, since I haven't added a period, though I don't expect you to know how to answer that question since the end of the sentence is something you haven't even read yet, you're going to have to read all of this then go back to the top to figure out if this is gramatically correct or not) (Oh well I suppose it doesn't matter) body recently.

You may not know this, but I am an accredited Amateur Chimpanzee Psychologist, so allow me to speak on this. This is an outrage, because we all know what happens when you give a chimpanzee anti-anxiety medication. Chimps, unlike humans have no need for that kind of stuff. Their anxiety in the wild would arise from running from hunters and getting nervous before a first date. When you take a chimp home and force it to live a human-like existence, then its anxiety will increase when it's forced to deal with human douchebags who visit or who you just run into at the market while purchasing some grapes. The reason Travis went apesh!t was because he was experiencing unnatural anxieties and the medication probably didn't help. He might have been able to deal with his issues through normal chimp stress relief methods such as crapping in your own hand and flinging it at someone or just run-of-the-mill masturbation. Travis was contained to a diaper (from what I could tell by the news). There are two things that are incredibly difficult to do with a diaper on and that's crapping in your hand and masturbating. I think you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm not going to stand here and say chimps shouldn't be pets because I think they can be. What I am saying is that if you do have a chimp in your house then you need to take the diaper off. No diapers for chimps even if they aren't toilet trained, you can't do that to an animal. Hell, I'm not even sure diapers are okay for humans, so why in the hell would they be good for primates? Now I am assuming that Travis couldn't remove his own diaper. This is the part that confuses me, you're a chimp, you have strength, how can you not take off a diaper? If he wanted to, I'm sure he could have, but that means he wanted the diaper on. Who in their right mind would want to keep a diaper on for other than recreational usage? I think that's where the Xanax came into play and that's just wrong.

You can't just unring the bell of torture,

-Dr. Binkie McFartnuggets

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