Ask McFartnuggets: "How Do I Politely Tell Someone They Smell Terrible?"

Or you could hand them a coupon
for free deodorant while pinching
your nose shut.

Dear McFartnuggets: I'm currently a college student at Seton Hall and I have a political science class where the professor has assigned seats. This guy who sits next to me smells like a thousand year old potato sack full of dead gorilla assholes. Something must be wrong with him mentally or emotionally so I don't want to be blunt and tell him he smells like a sun baked beluga whale carcass marinated in homeless hooker urine. What's the best way to politely let this guy know his stench is affecting my education? -- Lynda from New Jersey

Dear Lynda:

Jeez, that's a tough situation, Lynda. I think the most polite way would be to remark "My, you have quite the pungent aroma!" Odds are he either knows he smells bad and doesn't care or doesn't know in which case he probably smells good to himself already and is unlikely to change his hygiene habits. If either of those are the case then your only option is to take measures to mask his odor. Try hanging up air fresheners all around your desk and Febreeze the area thoroughly, one can in each hand. In the old days, we would have thrown him in a lake and burned his clothes, but with all these psychos around today there's no telling what that guy would do for retribution. If all else fails, just wear one of those masks people wore during the plague with the long ass noses filled with spices and herbs. You might look ridiculous, but odds are you'll have the best grade in the class since you'll be the only one not affected by Oscar the Grouch over there.

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