Dumbass Sayings: “Vampire Ass”

"I want to suck your ass!"

Urbandictionary.com defines “Vampire ass” as “An ass so juicy you just can’t help but sink your teeth into it.” The problem with this is when you say “Vampire ass” it sounds like you’re talking about the ass of a vampire, not an ass that makes you act like a vampire.

Vampires are usually pretty old so their asses are far from “juicy”. If you want to describe an ass as something juicy that you want to sink your teeth into why not say “Mango ass” or “Ripe plum ass” instead? “Vampire ass” is just a really misleading phrase. That’s like calling a nice ass a “Hobo ass” because you want to beg for it on a rail car. This is just not how English is supposed to work.

And what’s this business of sinking teeth into an ass in the first place? Maybe it’s fine to bite lightly, but hard enough to draw blood like a vampire? That’s just sick and wrong. At a certain point you’ve gone from weird ass foreplay to borderline cannibalism. I wonder why the term “Cannibal ass” isn’t as popular. Oh that’s right, because it’s goddamn stupid.