The Top 5 Best Mental Images To Help You Stop Getting A Woody

May have to add Mummy Baby to
this list in the future.

In virtually every scenario or setting besides intercourse, having a boner is inappropriate and uncalled for. If you find yourself in a situation where you need to stop getting a stiffy it's important to have a mental library of really unarousing things to imagine quickly so that you avoid ruining your daughter's wedding or what have you. Here are the top 5 best things to.imagine when you feel yourself getting a boner in an inappropriate setting like a moment of silence or SeaWorld:

5. Maxwell the Geico pig being boiled alive

Now I don't care whether you like the pig or not, seeing a sentient English speaking animal being boiled alive in oil is very disturbing. It'd be like that scene in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" where Judge Doom kills the little shoe cartoon in dip except worse because of the better animation these days.

That pig seems like a douche, but we don't really know him. I'm sure he's cool off camera.

4. A person being lowered slowly feet first into a pool of lava

When you talk about disturbing images, seeing someone slowly lowered into a burning substance like lava or acid is really sickening. It was sad when it happened at the end of "Terminator 2: Judgement Day", but it would have been horrifying if the Terminator was a flesh and blood human being rather than a machine who had much higher thresholds for pain.

You are alive when lava starts to eat you.

3. Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres making love

This is one of my personal favorites to use. Now you might want to see what happens when these two lesbian juggernauts collide in a sweaty tornado of same-sex loving, but odds are you want to see that just out of sheer curiosity like the way you observe a tragic factory explosion. You would be in awe, but you would not be sexually aroused.

If anyone actually saw this happen their brain would most likely explode.

2. A family being attacked by a grizzly bear

Bottom line: if you can get aroused while imagining this then you've probably got much bigger problems than being caught with a boner during the Pledge of Allegiance.

Bear attacks: Not a suitable alternative to Viagra.

And the number one best thing to imagine when you're getting a boner at an inopportune time is...

1. Being drowned to death by a Killer Whale in the Arctic Ocean

The key to this image is immersion. Everyone knows that cold temperatures cause severe shrinkage, that's why you don't see any Inuit pornstars. Couple that with the terror of being drowned in an icy tomb by a giant Orca monster and you will definitely go flaccid. I guarantee it.

You'd think there'd be a fun explanation behind the nickname "Killer Whale", but it's actually very terrifying.