Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do I Keep Getting Pimples On My Ass?”

When you get this on your ass
it's time to panic.

Dear McFartnuggets: I’m a 30-year-old man who has no problems with acne anywhere else on my body except my ass. It used to be okay until I joined a recreational water polo league and now I feel like everyone keeps staring at my ass warts. What is causing this and how can I get rid of them? -- Denby from Milwaukee

Dear Denby:

When you’re experiencing ass pimples there are a few questions you need to ask yourself: Is my ass sweating profusely on a consistent basis? How tight are my underpants? How often am I sitting during the day? Have I been shaving my ass? And have I sat on something I’m allergic to recently?

9 out of 10 times, the cause of ass pimples, or “assne” (acne on the ass), is sweat. The bacteria in your sweat gets trapped up against the ass skin and infects the pores causing a pimple to rise up on the buttcheek. If your underpants are tight that will give the sweat less room to evaporate and increase the likelihood of butt irritation. Sitting for long periods of time will create the same effect, you’re basically pancaking the sweat onto the ass pores leading to inflammation. Then of course if you’ve been shaving your ass, that can lead to irritation and ingrown hairs that may create pimples. And in more rare instances, if you sit on something you’re allergic to like cheese that might cause a pimple reaction.

I would recommend wearing loose underpants or no underpants at all and limited the amount of sweat that comes out of your ass. If you’re finding your ass does sweat, try to wipe it off quickly, and if possible, wash with soap and water. Try not to sit for excessive amounts of time, if you need to for work, try wearing a diaper or an ass cushion that can absorb the sweat that will accumulate on your buttocks over time. Instead of shaving your ass, try waxing or just leave it for a more natural look. And lastly, don’t sit on cheese. If you’ve followed these instructions and are still seeing vicious assne, please consult a physician.

Email your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com