Ask McFartnuggets: “How Do I Keep Toilet Water From Splashing Up Into My Bum?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
One of the biggest problems I have in life is having public bathroom toilet water splash into my butthole when I take a dump. Someone suggested I put toilet paper into the bowl first, but when I poop on top of that it ends up being too much and I usually clog up the toilet. What can I do? There has to be a better way! -- Meredith from Valdosta, Georgia

Dear Meredith:
The reason toilet water splashes up into your butthole is due to the water displacement when a big poo is dropped into it. Like throwing a brick in a lake or doing a cannonball dive in a pool, when something drops into a body of water, the object creates a force on the water that then gets turned into an equal and opposite force that shoots a jet cannon of water directly back up where the shit came from. There are a few ways to stop this from happening or at least limit the effects. One method is to lay down a reasonably thick layer of toilet paper in the bowl before you start crapping. This will provide a safety net for your turd bombs so they’ll create less surface tension on the water. Of course major negatives are the possibility for clogging as well as the prep time needed. If prep time is not an issue then your other option is to liquify your feces while it’s still in your body. This of course can be achieved any number of ways, my favorite is drinking alcoholic beverages. If you feces loosens from hard stone form to loose wads of wet shredded newspaper then obviously there’s less impact being done on the water and thus less splashback. Try those out and see what works best. Let me know if there are any more problems.

No one wants a toilet water dildo missile flying up their pooper.

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