Dumbass Sayings: “Pumpkin”

Whenever you see a couple they’re always saying things like “What do you want for breakfast, pumpkin?” “Oh I don’t know, let’s go to Dunkin and get a spiced pumpkin latte, my little pumpkin!” Why do people call their loved ones “pumpkin”? Pumpkins aren’t lovable. They’re fat, lumpy, hard, borderline tasteless squash that people jam a knife into and carve smiley faces into with a sharp knife. Then you leave a mutilated pumpkin out on the porch for Halloween and just keep it out there until it starts rotting and rats are making love inside it and using it as a giant rat breeding cocoon until finally everyone is too scared to even go near it, neighbors are complaining, and you have to burn it with a homemade Lysol can flamethrower. Is that what you want to do to your spouse? Sometimes sure, we all have our moments, but that’s an emotion you’re going to want to stifle and ignore whenever possible. It should not constantly be brought up by calling them pumpkin. Is it just because “pumpkin” is a fun sounding word? If that’s the case then call the person “kazoo” or “cheese tits” or something that’s a little less denigrating than “pumpkin.” Pumpkins are an ephemeral interest to most people and that should not be how you feel about your significant other.

Is this what your significant other is to you?

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