Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Use Clorox To Bleach My Anus?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
It seems these days that everyone and their grandmother loves the look of a bleached butthole. I don’t want to go blow two hundred dollars to have some weird lady in a parlor do it. I much rather trust my own steady hands while I’m bent over in front of the full length mirror in my bedroom. I’ve tried Crest White Strips and those don’t seem to work (maybe I’m not leaving them on long enough?) I’ve tried whitening toothpaste too (does make my asshole smell very minty though). I’m a little scared to try brass cleaner. Then it hit me, why not just use Clorox bleach? I mean that’s bleach, right? It’s called bleaching your anus, right? This must be what the pros use! Should I do it? I want that sparkling white butthole, baby! -- Todd from Riverdale, California

Dear Todd:
AY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAGHHH!!! Don’t do that! Bleach is corrosive and can burn a hole through metal if you leave it long enough. Just imagine what it would do to your anus!  Well I mean, you’ve already got a hole there, but you get what I mean. No, I recommend you yield to the experts on this. If you absolutely must home bleach your anus I would point you in the direction of hydrogen peroxide. Do a little research on your end. Make sure to dilute it properly, you don’t want to use pure peroxide on your ass. Try a very diluted solution and see how that works and up the concentration as needed. Again, I didn’t recommend this, but good luck anyway.

Anal bleaching can be a complex and dangerous procedure.

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