Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Would You Ever Use a Bike Share Program?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Everywhere I go someone’s got a Citi Bike. This is a bicycle that everyone in the whole city can use. You rent the bike, ride it around then put it back for someone else to use. Why is this so popular? I know it’s green, but it’s also pretty disgusting. Yeah let me take a bike that had a stranger’s sweaty asshole on it for hours on end and press that right up against my asshole too. That sounds like a great idea. It sounds like bikes aren’t the only thing we’ll be sharing. Anal warts could be next on that list! Plus in the summer everyone’s wearing short shorts and god knows the hygiene of these people or who used the bike before you. There’s probably shit particles all over those seats! I know they ain’t cleaning these things! -- Taylor from Queens, New York

Dear Taylor:
Well, if you’re that concerned with the cleanliness of the bike seats you should just keep antibacterial wipes with you or Lysol spray. Then you can spray all the ball sweat and ass juice away and wipe it clean before you hop on. You have to realize, in a city, anywhere you sit probably has fecal bacteria and dried ass bacteria on it. So if you’re going to get crazy about bicycle seats you should feel the same way about subway, taxi, bus seats and park benches too. It is scary to think about what’s going on at a microscopic level, but there’s really no danger there. So what if you sat in another person’s shit? Just wash your pants. Unless you’re licking the bottom of your pants there’s nothing to really be afraid of. Once you realize that, it’s a little easier to stop caring about the taint sweat of the last guy who rode a communal bike.

The ass juice would have to be fresh and going right into your bare anus. Even then you still might not get sick.

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