Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Are Musicians Names So Weird These Days?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Now that my daughter is almost a teenager I’ve been listening to a lot of current music to keep up with the kids so she’ll think I’m hip and rad. The one thing I’ve been finding myself thinking over and over again is what is wrong with the artists’ names these days? I see some of these names and I don’t know if that’s their real name of if the person on Youtube made a typo or what. I see performers like Rae Sremmurd, ChVches, Die Antwoord, and ASAP Rocky just to name a few and it’s like they were were just throwing alphabet soup at the wall, found a good name in the mess on the wall, then whoever was going to write it down had a fucking stroke while they were writing it and they said “YEP THAT’S OUR NAME!” I know band names are supposed to be weird, but these bastards are making Iron Maiden and Duran Duran look very well thought out. What’s going on here with this shenanigans? -- Brevin from Grand Rapids, Michigan

Dear Brevin:
Well, there are only so many possible band names and almost every single one has been taken by some band somewhere in the world. That means the only way to have an original, noticeable name in music is to basically break all the rules concerning grammar, letters, and sense. If you think musicians’ names are weird now just wait because it’s only going to get worse. In the future you’ll hear people say “Hey man did you listen to GEHHHHHHH Whi$tles 12.9’s new holodisc? It’s highly derivative!” and “Yeah I can’t wait for the new MC Lobstertits and Frankie Gonorrhea collaboration!” You’ll even see the same thing with singers who use their actual birth names. That’s why you see singers like Jussie Smollett and Bryshere Yazz Gray. These sound like names you find in the toilet after eating too much Alpha Bits soup, but they’re actually these people’s names. The future is looking very bright for bizarre names to say the least and that’s coming from someone named Binkie McFartnuggets so you know it’s serious. My name will be considered highly conservative in about two decades.

Satchmo was a pretty weird name too.

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