Ask McFartnuggets: “How Do I Know When A Prostate Exam Has Gone Too Far?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’m going for my first prostate exam in two weeks and I’ve been getting very nervous over the course of the past few days. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I’ve been reading some very scary horror stories about prostate exams gone wrong or turned into sexual assault. What do I need to know to be prepared? I definitely don’t want to be assaulted, but at the same time I don’t want to clinch up and break this guy’s finger off you know what I’m saying? What should I expect? How many fingers are we looking at here? -- Barry from Frederick, Maryland

Dear Barry:
Your concerns are understandable, common, and justified. Some men fear this so much they’re  willing to take the risk of prostate cancer over a finger up their ass, but it’s really not that big of a deal. It’s a part of growing up. If you haven’t had something up your ass by the time you need your prostate checked then you just haven’t lived. You want to know what to expect? Well, it’s safe to say any more than one finger and the doctor is taking liberties. More than than two and you’ve got a malpractice lawsuit on your hands. I don’t know exactly how you would prove that in court, but it’s worth setting up a GoPro when the doctor is out of the room. I guess it’d be more of a GoProstate in that case. The finger should be lubed and in a glove. Those are two very important conditions. If a doctor says he needs to go gloveless to properly feel the prostate then he’s bullshitting you. As far as the lube, the doctor has his own, don’t bring your favorite from home. When it’s crunch time, put yourself in a different mental world. Think of it as a finger up ass vs. death matter. Think about how prostate cancer happens to 1 in every 7 American men and 1 out of 38 die of it. Statistics like that usually make it easier to take, literally. Good luck!

You're there to have your prostate checked not punched.

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