Ask McFartnuggets: “Should Women Get More Credit For Wearing High Heels?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
On a dare from my wife I wore high heels all day long. She wanted to make me see what women go through and I have to say, it was a very eye opening experience. You really don’t understand what someone is going through unless you walk a mile in their shoes and women’s shoes are crazy. I could barely walk in those much less walk in a way that appeared to be sexy to anyone. I felt like every step was on a tightrope and I was balancing like some kind of ridiculous Chinese stilt performer spinning plates. I tell ya, after that experience I really have a newfound respect for women. Don’t you think women should get more credit for wearing high heels? I’d love to see LeBron James try to wear high heels! Well I don’t want to actually see that, but you know what I mean. I doubt he could pull it off I mean. He’s a great athlete and he couldn’t… You know what, never mind. -- Gary from Hopedale, Massachusetts

Dear Gary:
Well, yes I think it’s obvious that walking in high heels is a ridiculous feat that men rarely appreciate. The thing is, you know as well as I do, if a man walks around in high heels people think he’s a goddamn psychopath. There’s a reason for that. If you walk around in a business suit with red high heels on, as a man, no one is going to take you seriously. The reason is, high heels are sort of ridiculous. They serve no functional purpose. They’re shoes with tiny sticks on the bottom, that’s weird. It’s just a way to help you look taller than you actually are. It’s really a joke. It’s a joke that women take seriously for some reason. If you take away the sex appeal of a woman wearing high heels and strip it down to what’s actually happening, it’s really quite ridiculous. It’s a woman balancing on sticks. And if you’ve ever seen a drunk woman in heels walk over a subway grate and get both her feet caught in that shit and fall face first into the grate then you know just how crazy it looks. So yes, women deserve much more credit for being able to balance like that, but at the same time it’s essentially a pointless skill.

High heels are the equivalent of if we thought it was attractive to wear Edward Scissorhands claws.

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