Dumbass Sayings: “I’m Sold”

When a consumer sees the features of a car in a car commercial they yell “I’M SOLD!” I don’t know how this makes any sense to say. If you decide to buy an item, you’re not actually sold. If you were the actual product then you’d be sold. You’re a person paying money for the object so you’re BUYING. That’s like someone convincing you into giving them oral sex and then you give in and say “I’m blown!” Do you realize how that makes no sense? Just because people say “I’m sold!” all the time doesn’t make it right. Let’s start paying attention to words a little bit more. Unless you’re a human trafficked sex slave there’s no reason you should be saying “I’m sold.” Even then, I don’t know why you would say that. That has to be a really fucked up moment in a person’s life to be transferred between two parties for currency.

I think people say “I’m sold” because when a salesman is doing his pitch it’s called “selling.” A salesman can be “selling a person” on the benefits of the product. However, deciding to buy is not being “sold.” The process of hearing a sales pitch would be the action of being sold on something. There aren’t two sales made on a sale. Only one decision is being made and it makes more sense to say that an item was sold than saying the buyer was sold on the item. Selling is like sex, two people can be considered having intercourse, but one is really doing the fucking. So from the salesperson’s perspective, the item is sold to the person. “I’m sold” is just something the buyer says from their perspective which basically equates to “I just got fucked.” No one should have to say that.

"Guy standing perfectly straight in front of his cart for hours? I'M SOLD!"

Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Use Clorox To Bleach My Anus?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

It seems these days that everyone and their grandmother loves the look of a bleached butthole. I don’t want to go blow two hundred dollars to have some weird lady in a parlor do it. I much rather trust my own steady hands while I’m bent over in front of the full length mirror in my bedroom. I’ve tried Crest White Strips and those don’t seem to work (maybe I’m not leaving them on long enough?) I’ve tried whitening toothpaste too (does make my asshole smell very minty though). I’m a little scared to try brass cleaner. Then it hit me, why not just use Clorox bleach? I mean that’s bleach, right? It’s called bleaching your anus, right? This must be what the pros use! Should I do it? I want that sparkling white butthole, baby! -- Todd from Riverdale, California

Dear Todd:

AY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAGHHH!!! Don’t do that! Bleach is corrosive and can burn a hole through metal if you leave it long enough. Just imagine what it would do to your anus!  Well I mean, you’ve already got a hole there, but you get what I mean. No, I recommend you yield to the experts on this. If you absolutely must home bleach your anus I would point you in the direction of hydrogen peroxide. Do a little research on your end. Make sure to dilute it properly, you don’t want to use pure peroxide on your ass. Try a very diluted solution and see how that works and up the concentration as needed. Again, I didn’t recommend this, but good luck anyway.

Anal bleaching can be a complex and dangerous procedure.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Girl Next Door”

Sometimes when people describe a woman’s looks they’ll say “She has a real girl next door look.” This is a complicated concept. Supposedly, a girl next door is a girl that you grew up around in your neighborhood and have been attracted to all your life, but been afraid to approach romantically. I don’t really see how that can be discerned from an appearance. So whenever you hear someone say “She looks like a girl next door” that’s ridiculous. You can’t look like a girl next door, you either are or you aren’t. I don’t even know what people mean by “girl next door looks.” Are they trying to say she looks good, but not like a supermodel? If that’s the case then why is it said like a compliment? In that case, people saying a girl has a girl next door look is basically like saying she’s a seven on a scale of one to ten. It’s not an insult, but it’s not a compliment. The other thing is, any woman can be a “girl next door” if she lives next door to you. The quality of a girl next door would totally depend on the neighborhood you live in. If you’re in a rundown crack village then a girl next door would leave a lot to be desired. If you’re in a wealthy area then a girl next door could be a famous porn star. Ultimately, I’m not really sure why this is a phrase that people use because it’s very confusing and communicates a concept that I’m not sure needs to be defined.

She's technically a girl next door, if you live next to a retirement home.

The Top 5 Best Vice President Running Mates For Donald Trump

Even though the 2016 U.S. Presidential election is still more than a year away, as each day passes it’s looking more and more like Donald Trump will be the Republican nominee. With the election looming, he’s going to have to consider candidates for running mate pretty soon. Who will be Donald Trump’s Vice President running mate? Well, here’s the top 5 best picks:

5. Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin may have ruined John McCain’s chances of becoming President in 2008, but that was back when they were facing Barack Obama. This time against Hillary, Sarah Palin might take just enough of a bite out of the female vote to make the difference. Also, in a world where Donald Trump is a serious candidate for President, it might finally make sense that Sarah Palin would be a serious contender for Vice President.

Admittedly, she's not the best at haircuts.

4. Hulk Hogan

Yes, Hulk Hogan was recently fired from World Wrestling Entertainment for a privately recorded racist rant, but the fact remains, he’s a real American. Also, his racist remarks were about African Americans. His comments most likely resonated with a portion of the country who hates President Obama.

You think ISIS wants to mess with Hulkamania?

3. Kermit the Frog

In case you haven’t noticed, The Muppets have been making a bit of a comeback. Kermit has his own television series, he’s in all sorts of commercials, and he’s back in the hearts and minds of Americans. We all know politicians are puppets anyway so why not have a literal puppet as the Vice President?

Kermit has an arm up his butt at all times, but assplay is not uncommon for some politicians.

2. Dennis Rodman

Dennis Rodman was a contestant on “Celebrity Apprentice” so he already has connections to Trump. We know Trump has some problems with foreign relations so Dennis Rodman would be a natural considering how well he’s gotten along with Kim Jong Un. He’s done more with North Korea than John Kerry ever could have done. Rodman could be key to capturing both the valuable African American, NBA fan, and Transvestite vote.

Trump thinks the country needs to rebound, so who's better at rebounding than Dennis Rodman?

And the number one best running mate for Donald Trump in 2016 is...

1. Gary Busey

I don’t even need to explain why this is a good idea. Just imagine Gary Busey as Vice President of the United States. Now imagine something happened to Donald Trump. We’d have President Gary Busey. That’s just awesome. It might even be an improvement over President Donald Trump and we know it’s an improvement at Vice President over Joe Biden. As with Rodman, Busey was on “Celebrity Apprentice” so if Trump chooses to host a special edition of “The Apprentice” to find his VP, Busey has a real shot at this.

Joe Biden is already basically like a mild, slightly more rapey Gary Busey.

So there you have it, all five are great choices, but Trump can choose only one. If elected, Trump would be wise to find a spot in his cabinet for each of them.

Dumbass Sayings: “I’d Rather Sleep With a Dog Than You”

Sometimes you’re chatting up a lady at the discotheque and she says “I’d rather sleep with a dog than you!” Oh that’s REALLY ORIGINAL. I’ve never heard that before! What is with women and this phrase? The thing about it is, they say it like it’s a big popular insult. It’s less of an insult and more of a cause for concern. Listen, if you want to bang a dog more than a human being then that's not a problem with the me, that’s an emotional problem with YOU. I know personally, I’d rather have sex with the ugliest woman on earth before I pork a cocker spaniel. Having sex with a dog or any type of animal aside from homo erectus is never an option. It’s is just simply NOT an option. If you’re so quick to turn to bestiality then I’m sorry, but that’s a you problem not a me problem. It’s illegal for a reason, folks! Every time a woman says this to me I always recommend she get professional psychiatric help because that is really not a normal sentiment to carry. I’m never hurt by this, I’m concerned. It’s good that they say it though because once a woman says this I know I shouldn’t have wanted her to begin with. Lord knows what kinds of skeletons are hanging in that closet. There’s a decent chance they’re not all human skeletons too!

Good luck having sex with that.

Dumbass Song Lyrics: “We Can Burn Hotter Than A House on Fire”

There’s a song by some musician named Ryan Cabrera called “House On Fire” and the chorus goes “We can burn hotter than a house on fire.” This is pretty offensive to anyone who’s lost everything they’ve had in a housefire. Who the hell is this Ryan Cabrera guy to be singing songs like this? Do you have any idea how painful this must be for someone who’s had their home burn down in a tragic accident? You’re listening to a song dancing trying to have a good time then you hear “We can burn hotter than a house on fire!” and immediately you have flashbacks of your Christmas tree catching a spark from the outlet and seeing all your presents and stockings set ablaze as your parents scream “GET OUT NOW!” You all get out onto the front lawn and your mother hugs you as hard as she ever has. Your sister screams “Mittens is still in there!” She runs back into the house after her cat and you shout “SARAH, NO!” You run back in there after her. It feels ten times hotter than the oven was when you snuck a peek of the Christmas ham earlier that day. You look to your left and the living room is on fire, you look right and your dining room is on fire. The stairs are clear of fire so you run up to the top. Your sister is collapsed on the floor. You try to shake her and wake her up “SARAH! GET UP!” You hear the ceiling creaking and the fire is getting even hotter. Then a part of the roof collapses on your head and everything goes black. When you wake up you’re in a hospital bed and your parents tell you Sarah didn’t make it, nor did Mittens. Yeah… That’s really something I want to relive when I hear this dipshit’s horsecrap song about burning hotter than a house on fire. You’re trying to tell me we’re going to burn hotter than THAT? NO THANKS, asswipe.

Yeah let me burn hotter than a family's broken dreams. That sounds fun.

Dumbass Sayings: “IMO”

One of the more popular typed phrases on the internet is “IMO” the acronym for “In My Opinion.” If you’re on a forum it’s usually only a few seconds before you read something like “Aunt Jemima shits all over Mrs. Butterworth IMO.” Is this really necessary for people to say? If the actual words “In my opinion” are not important enough to type out, why are they important enough for an acronym. It’s a redundant phrase either way. Of course it’s your opinion, YOU SAID IT. Here’s how talking works: the majority of the time you say things that are your opinion. That’s why you say them to people, so they can know your opinion. Now, if for some reason you’re going to say something that ISN’T your opinion, you can then say “This isn’t my opinion though, it’s someone else’s.” Since speaking other people’s opinions should be less frequent than speaking our own, THAT would be where a special indicator could be inserted to let people know. Either that or anytime you neglect to add in “IMO” it means whatever you said wasn’t your opinion. Of course everyone assumes it is your opinion even if you didn’t type IMO, which is exactly why it’s a worthless thing to say or type in the first place.

"In my opinion I think I'm saying words to people from my mouth hole right now!"

Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Use Head & Shoulders on My Pubes?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’ve been having a weird crotch dandruff problem. I just want to know if it’s safe to use Head & Shoulders on my pubes because it’s called Head & Shoulders. I don’t know if it’s formulated specially for head and shoulders only or what. I would presume that based on the name. I don’t want to test my fate, obviously with pube dandruff things aren’t exactly rolling my way as of late. I don’t want to take risks with that area. I tried using Icy Hot on to relieve some pain there and needless to say things didn’t work out well. -- Tommy from New Haven, Connecticut

Dear Tommy:

Of course you can use it on your pubic hair. What do you expect them to call it “Head, Shoulders, Balls, and Crotch”? They can’t just go rattling off all the places you can use it on. That would make for a very clunky name. It’s just like women and children can use Just For Men, you can’t take names too seriously. Icy Hot is a name that stays true though, I’m certain your crotch felt icy then like it was on fire, and fire is hot. When you have crotch dandruff it’s also a good idea to moisturize. Try using a lotion and after using the Head and Shoulders (provided your crotch doesn’t burn off) try a conditioner on top of that. If you’re still having ball dandruff I would recommend seeking professional help if it’s negatively impacting your social and work life. You may need a specially formulated prescription ball shampoo. Good luck!

They really should just call Head and Shoulders "Head."

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Dumbass Sayings: “Give Yourself a Pat on the Back”

In a lot of schools you’ll see teachers telling their students to “Give yourself a pat on the back!” when they answer a question correctly or participate in class. Why do we teach kids to do this? A pat on the back doesn’t mean much even when it’s coming from someone else and it means even less if you’re doing it to yourself. I don’t see how this can be a positive reinforcement method. No one does things so they can have the privilege of patting themselves on the back. Why not just tell the kids to give themselves a high five? Oh wait, no THAT would look insane, right? A self pat on the back, though... totally fine! Also, children will never be able to use this in the future. You don’t see adults patting themselves on the back after doing a good job at their place of work. If they do they’re either doing it in a joking way making light of how ridiculous it is, or they’re doing it in earnest and are emotionally deranged. Patting yourself on the back is like masturbating, it’s not productive at all. Either you do something that warrants someone else patting you on the back, or whatever you did wasn’t worth a pat on the back. It’s really that simple. If you’re that desperate for a pat on the back that you do it yourself, something is wrong. Patting yourself on the back is motivational masturbation and it should not be taught in schools to students under any circumstance.

Even another person patting you on the back is unnecessary. Especially if you're operating on someone and not expecting it.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Do I Know When A Prostate Exam Has Gone Too Far?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’m going for my first prostate exam in two weeks and I’ve been getting very nervous over the course of the past few days. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I’ve been reading some very scary horror stories about prostate exams gone wrong or turned into sexual assault. What do I need to know to be prepared? I definitely don’t want to be assaulted, but at the same time I don’t want to clinch up and break this guy’s finger off you know what I’m saying? What should I expect? How many fingers are we looking at here? -- Barry from Frederick, Maryland

Dear Barry:

Your concerns are understandable, common, and justified. Some men fear this so much they’re  willing to take the risk of prostate cancer over a finger up their ass, but it’s really not that big of a deal. It’s a part of growing up. If you haven’t had something up your ass by the time you need your prostate checked then you just haven’t lived. You want to know what to expect? Well, it’s safe to say any more than one finger and the doctor is taking liberties. More than than two and you’ve got a malpractice lawsuit on your hands. I don’t know exactly how you would prove that in court, but it’s worth setting up a GoPro when the doctor is out of the room. I guess it’d be more of a GoProstate in that case. The finger should be lubed and in a glove. Those are two very important conditions. If a doctor says he needs to go gloveless to properly feel the prostate then he’s bullshitting you. As far as the lube, the doctor has his own, don’t bring your favorite from home. When it’s crunch time, put yourself in a different mental world. Think of it as a finger up ass vs. death matter. Think about how prostate cancer happens to 1 in every 7 American men and 1 out of 38 die of it. Statistics like that usually make it easier to take, literally. Good luck!

You're there to have your prostate checked not punched.

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Dumbass Sayings: “How Do I Tell This To My Children?”

Whenever something tragic happens like a mass shooting or a next door neighbor is arrested for the murders of eight local prostitutes, some parents ask “How do I tell this to my children?” They have no idea how to explain these types of things to their kids, including things like same sex marriage. The only advice I can give these people is to find a time machine and go back six years in the past and actually use a condom so you don’t have the kid to begin with if this is so challenging. Now it’s totally fine to ask this question to yourself in your head and then figure out the answer, but people who go around in public asking it as a rhetorical question are being fools. Those people are trying to use their own kids as pawns to make a political statement. They’ve already figured out what they’re going to tell their kids. If you don’t agree with same sex marriage you just say “Two evil people are getting married and they’re going to hell because they have the same private parts.” What’s so hard about that? Why do you need to ask people how to explain that? You already know. You’re just whining like it hurts you to say that. Parents never used to openly ask others “How do I explain this to my kids?” Even if they were wrong, they still had a good idea of what to tell their children about controversial topics. Parenting is supposed to be between you and your children. No one ever likes when people tell them how to parent, unless of course they’re asking specific advice on exactly how to parent. That’s a little hypocritical. Just tell the kids what you think they’ll need to hear to make them better people. If you don’t know what that is, then you made a horrible mistake and I doubt you’ll be able to explain foster care to them so don’t even bother with that.

How am I supposed to explain to my children that they're a painting?

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Offensive to Dress Like a Hobo For Halloween ?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’m planning to go as a hobo for Halloween again this year. I usually do every year just because it’s easy. I just wear a bunch of my old B.U.M. Equipment brand clothing from the early 90’s and they’re all tattered and worn out. I let my facial hair grow out for a few days, I stop bathing for a couple days before Halloween. Then I get completely plastered and by the time Halloween night comes I’m a very realistic hobo. Some people in the past have told me, particularly last year that my portrayal of a hobo was offensive to them. I don’t get it, it’s just Halloween. I’m not making fun of hobos, I’m just emulating them. You’re not making fun of robots, The Joker, or Game of Thrones characters when you dress up like them for Halloween, if anything you’re saying “Hey, this is cool.” Am I being out of line or can I keep going as a hobo? -- Michelle from Los Angeles, California

Dear Michelle:

I see your point about dressing like characters, but the key is you mentioned characters. Hobos are real people. They’re not fictional creatures like vampires, zombies, or wolfmen, they’re actual flesh and blood human beings and to group them together in with those horror legends is wrong. The only reason people continue to do this is it’s like making fun of Amish people on TV, they’re not going to see it. You might be okay if you’re going to parties in a town where you won’t run into many hobos or if the hobos you see are so convinced you’re a hobo that they don’t notice you’re a phony, otherwise, you probably shouldn’t. It may raise awareness for hobos which is good, but ultimately you’re making light of the problem so the negatives will outweigh the positives. I think it all depends on your portrayal of hobos. Now because you used the term “hobo” and you’re wearing BUM Equipment I would say you’re going for more of a humorous tone. If you were dressed in actual distressed designed clothing made to look like something a real homeless person would wear and you referred to them as “houseless individuals” then there might be a more somber mood you’re forcing on others and it could guilt them into some charitable donations.

The thing about Halloween is it’s a holiday where we give out candy for free which is nice, but it doesn’t help the homeless. They’ve got enough dental concerns as it is. Halloween is basically like a Thanksgiving for children. We turn our homes into soup kitchens made of candy for kids. Maybe it’s time to start offering some more healthy choices like normal snacks to kids that way we can also hand out healthy snacks to the homeless as well. That way we’d be feeding the less fortunate and knocking out child obesity all at once. I don’t know JUST AN IDEA.

Why don't you just dress up as a veteran and have two costumes in one!

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Dumbass Sayings: “I’m (Number of Days) Sober!”

Sometimes you’ll meet an old high school classmate and you’ll ask how they are and they say “Fine! I’m 258 days sober!” This is supposed to be some kind of achievement. If you’re counting every single day since your last drink, you still have a problem. On the other hand, if you don’t remember how long it was since your last drink, (provided it wasn’t last night and you just blacked out and have no memory of what happened) then you’re cured. Your last drink could have been only a week ago, but if you aren’t counting the days then that’s a sign of normal behavior. As long as you’re adding each day on the wall like a prisoner counting days in jail then you’re not fixed yet and that’s nothing to be bragging about. How often do you hear an elderly man say “I’m 8,453 days sober!” After long enough you lose count and that’s when you really should be bragging about how you’re over your alcoholism. Of course no one ever talks about it then because they’re just living a normal life which is nothing to brag about. Bragging about how many days you’ve been sober is like bragging about how many days you’ve been out of jail. For normal people it means nothing. For you it might be a huge accomplishment, but don’t be shocked when people don’t pat you on the back for that. Why do people with drug issues seem to get praise for merely acting normal? I guess you have to have a drug problem to understand and I definitely don’t so the next time I’m buying heroin from your cousin, save your “days sober” count. I really don’t need to hear that shit!

"I'm dress like a pilgrim and shit my pants days NOT sober."

Ask McFartnuggets: “I Think I Have Aixelsyd?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

So I was on WebMD trying to do a diagnosis on myself. I put in all my symptoms and it suggested that I have Aixelsyd. I’ve never heard of this before. Whenever I search for it I find very little information. Is this a real condition or is it some kind of glitch? I know WebMD is not the most trusted source for medical information so I wanted to get a second opinion. -- Tobias from Springfield, Missouri

Dear Tobias:

Okay this is a little confusing. So if it says you have Aixelsyd then that would mean it says Dyslexia which is a real condition. I’m almost certain that’s what you have since you’re reading words backwards. Aixelsyd is Dyslexia backwards so if that’s what you’re seeing then that’s a pretty good sign. What I’m confused about is now whenever I’m typing Dyslexia you’re seeing “Aixelsyd” and vice versa or should I say versa vice, or asrev eciv. Now if the site you’re on is actually typing out Aixelsyd and other people without Dyslexia are telling you that’s how they’re spelling it then that’s obviously some sort of a joke by the WebMD people. By the way if this is at all confusing to you, just replace Aixelsyd with Dyslexia where you see it or should I say replace Dyslexia with Aixelsyd...

Always tell your eye doctor if you have dyslexia otherwise you're gonna get some fucked up lenses.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and please be patient I’ve recently been flooded with a lot of questions and I’m trying as hard as I can to answer them.

Dumbass Sayings: “Pretty Please with Sprinkles on Top!”

Sometimes a woman will ask you a favor and when you stare at her with a blank face she says “Pretty please! With SPRINKLES ON TOP!” Like that’s supposed to entice me and change my mind? Oh I’ll do it, but only if your please is pretty enough! Put lots of makeup on that please and give it stripper glitter, then put it in a nice dress and give it a diamond crown tiara! I ain’t accepting no homely, plain looking please! I want my please to look like it just jumped off a Victoria’s Secret runway. But in all seriousness, I’m not going to murder your ex-boyfriend I don’t care how well you decorate your request with imaginary confectioneries. Now if you really want something from someone how about actually buying them ice cream with sprinkles? How bad do you want this? If you really want something you’ll make the ice cream and sprinkles a reality rather than an abstract modification of words. Stop wasting your time adding verbal fixins to your requests and start purchasing actual frozen dairy desserts.

Never ask a diabetic for something with a sprinkled covered please.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is a Woody During a Checkup Normal?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

So I got a new job recently and part of the hiring process is I had to get a physical check up exam done. I haven’t had one of these since I was a kid so I had no idea what to expect or what was normal. I told the doctor I was nervous and he said “It’s okay.” Later in the exam, I felt a woody. The doctor chuckled and said “It’s okay. Don’t worry, woodies are totally normal during a physical.” I looked down and saw the doctor had a woody. I was very uncomfortable, but he insisted it was normal and natural. Then he examined my breasts for what seemed like an eternity. It was weird. I guess he was checking for lumps. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor I just want to know if all that was part of it because I’m not feeling so sure. -- Sally from Long Island, New York

Dear Sally:

NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! It is totally NOT normal for your male doctor to have a "woody" at any point during an exam whether you’re a man or woman. Some people do say woodies are normal during an exam but that’s regarding a male patient. And if he was squeezing your breasts more than just a few times then I would highly recommend contacting the authorities because it seems like you may have been taken advantage of. What a creepy fuck. If you feel like you were taken advantage please speak up. If that son of a bitch is doing what I think he is then he must be stopped immediately. Check up on his background, get as much information as you can and report that sick bastard. Congratulations on the new job by the way.

It's better if the doctor just describes his penis to you.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Putting Lipstick on a Pig”

There’s an old saying from Tennessee, I know it’s from Texas, but it’s also from Tennessee that says “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig!” The idea is that you can cover up a problem, but it’s still a problem underneath. But putting all that aside, what I want to know is what sick, twisted, lonely pig farmer came up with this saying? This is a very disturbing phrase. Despite the fact that the image of a pig with lipstick is silly and absurd, this saying means that someone actually either did this or at least thought it up. Who in the hell would do such a thing? Who sees a pig and says “You know what? Let’s put some lipstick on that, a bonnet, and a sundress and see if we can’t have a nice romantic Saturday evening!” Then when they sobered up a little and realized they were fucking a pig they thought “Wait, you can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig!” Whether or not they stopped banging the pig right then and there we’ll never know. You hope so, but something tells me they just kept on going.

Can't put lipstick on a pig? Tell that to Kermit the Frog!

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can You Tell When a Woman is Flirting with You?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Hey one of my biggest challenges in life is that I never know when a woman is flirting with me. I’ll read all the signs I think are signs and then later come to find that she didn’t like me at all and was just being polite. It’s crazy though because I thought when a woman smiles and acts nice it means she likes you. I read in a magazine if they touch their hair then it means they’re flirting. All the times a woman has touched her hair while talking to me I think it’s a sign she’s flirting so I ask her out and she says “No” and acts like I’m crazy for asking. How the hell am I supposed to know when they’re flirting or not? Normal people are supposed to flirt obviously in obvious ways so why do all the women I meet act so mysterious like this? Are these women playing some kind of joke on me or something? -- Wilt from Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Dear Wilt:

Yes, women can be very difficult to read sometimes… I’ve found that just because a woman touches her hair a lot doesn’t mean she’s flirting. A lot of times it can just be a nervous thing that they do if they’re scared, which is obviously sending the complete opposite message. It has to be the right kind of hair touching. If she’s just fumbling with her hair randomly then that might not be flirting, but if she has it stretched out and is petting it like a cat then that’s flirting. When it comes to figuring out if a woman is flirting you need to see aggressive signs. There should be a lot of touching. If she’s touching your shoulders, neck, face, chest, crotch area a lot or pretty much any area of your body then that’s a good sign. You can’t always rely on smiling as a clear cut sign. A lot of times women will smile just to make a creepy guy think everything is okay to avoid agitating him. You have to look at the eyes. If the corner of her eyes are crinkled then she’s smiling with her whole face and not just fake smiling. Also the number one sign you’re going to want to look for is vaginal wetness. Clearly you can’t check with your hand and you don’t want to ask either, but if you happen to notice, you’re all in the clear. Good luck!  

Turning away with a concerned look is flirting, right?

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Dumbass Sayings: “Always Leave Them Wanting More”

There’s a famous saying in show business “Always leave them wanting more!” If you treat sex like performance art as I do then there’s a big problem here. If you’ve ever had an issue with premature ejaculation then you know how invalid this advice is. In the case of sexual intercourse it’s best to leave the other person completely satisfied. If you follow this terrible advice then you’ll see that you’re the one leaving and they’re the one finishing themselves off with a vibrator. The whole idea of “Always leave them wanting more” is that the audience will be looking forward to the next show. If you follow that advice with sex then your “audience” may never want to see your “show” again. Even if you do have another show, it’s pretty safe to say they’re not coming. So, no, don’t ALWAYS leave them wanting more. If it’s in a situation like a magic show then sure, but most of the time people enjoy a wholly satisfying experience that requires no follow up.

Any woman you've left wanting more knows that vibration really is life.

Ask McFartnuggets: “What’s Better Creamy or Chunky Peanut Butter?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I keep arguing with my wife over what’s better: creamy peanut butter or chunky peanut butter. She says creamy is the best, but I say chunky is. This is threatening to tear our marriage apart. I know it sounds nuts, but we take our peanut butter very seriously here. Obviously we have some other marital issues aside from varieties of nut butter, it’s just that this keeps being an issue of contention. We’re having a great picnic enjoying life then she complains about the chunky peanut butter sandwiches I made and before I know it I’m driving in the car back home alone with her left out there in the park. Anyways, I just want to know once and for all, what kind of peanut butter is better? -- Orville from Memphis, Tennessee

Dear Orville:

Yes this is a conflict that has been fought over for centuries, however I believe it has been fought over needlessly. The biggest thing to note here is that chunky peanut butter has creamy in it. That fact should make it the superior choice by default. Someone who loves creamy peanut butter can hate chunky, but someone who loves chunky can’t claim to hate creamy since 90+% of the chunky peanut butter is creamy. That’d be like saying you love ice cream with sprinkles, but you hate ice cream by itself. That basically makes no sense. If you hated sprinkles for some reason then an ice cream cone covered in them would suck. Now imagine if the sprinkles were interwoven throughout the ice cream and not just on the outside. It’d be damn near inedible. On the other side, I doubt creamy can be inedible to chunky lovers. You might not love it, but you’d make it work. Not to mention sometimes if you don’t chew the chunky peanut butter enough you can get little chunks stuck in the back of your throat like tonsil stones. Who enjoys that feeling? Not me. It’s like a new guy at the peanut butter plant fucked up and turned the peanut butter grinder off early and accidentally created chunky peanut butter. He would have been fired, instead it was crunchy and enjoyable so they gave him a raise. Still, the fact that chunky peanut butter was likely an error makes creamy the clear victor.

Everyone loves some nut cream.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Enjoy Your Meal!”

When you go out to eat at a restaurant you’re seated and given a menu by a server. The server then takes your order, brings the food from the kitchen to your table, and before they leave they say “Enjoy your meal!” This is supposed to be a nice polite thing to say, but look, don’t tell me what to do. If it tastes good then you bet I will enjoy it regardless of what you just said. However, if it doesn’t taste good then I will not enjoy it no matter how nicely you told me to! I’m not going to just blindly agree to enjoy something before I taste it. There’s a reason people don’t say “Enjoy!” before giving oral sex. If it’s something you will surely enjoy then there’s really no logical purpose in giving that command. People say “Enjoy your meal!” in a way that means “I hope you enjoy your meal!” which implies an uncertainty. Uncertainty is not something I want to feel before I take a bite of food that was prepared by an overworked stranger in a low paying job. Restaurants should be confident enough in their food that they can treat it like they’re giving someone oral sex. Just place the plate in front of a person, let them see and smell it and they’ll know they will enjoy the meal. You don’t need to say shit. Don’t ruin the moment the way someone saying “Enjoy!” would kind of feel awkward before a blow job. Of course it’s not bad enough to make it a negative experience if everything else is right, it’s just unnecessary and displays a lack of confidence.

"Enjoy your meal."
"Okay, I'll try!"

Ask McFartnuggets: “When Will Something Finally Be Done About Gun Control?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Every damn week there’s a new mass shooting or public shooting or crazed gunman in the news. It used to be once a year, then once a month, now once a week, soon maybe once a day! When is someone going to do something about gun control? People say it’s a mental health issue and I agree, but let’s not pretend like the guns play no part in this. Sure if crazy people couldn’t have guns they’d go around with swords or something, but at least you’ve got a better fighting chance against a lunatic with a sword vs a lunatic with an AK-47! When will people say enough is enough? -- Lola from Peoria, Illinois

Dear Lola:

I think the gun issue is going to play out very similar to how same sex marriages and gay rights are right now. For a long time it was okay to dismiss gay rights and not treat gays like equal citizens, but as more and more people are gay these days everyone knows a homosexual or bisexual person, Dick Cheney’s daughter is a lesbian and so forth. It’s easy for people to dismiss an issue when it doesn’t affect them. With guns, as more people get killed in these tragedies, the number of people affected who have had family members murdered will increase. As that number rises you’ll likely see a push for more legislation that has more backing behind it. And as gays have become more embraced by society due to their numbers, it is very possible that the idea of gun control will follow suit. The one difference is that gay rights are pushing for the freedoms of people and the ability to get a gun with as few restrictions as possible is also a freedom. The difference is gays aren’t really killing anyone, while people who can buy an assault rifle at a gun festival or online sometimes do. Regardless of your beliefs, it’s easy to see the Liberal agenda is the one gaining traction in society. This could lead to the ultimate Conservative nightmare, a future where a gay President runs around taking everyone’s gun, possibly Hillary Clinton.

Whoever is going to be the next President better be good at tragedy press conferences.

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Dumbass Sayings: “It Was Their Time”

When someone dies the friend and loved ones always say something like “It was their time. God decided he couldn’t wait any longer to have them with him in his kingdom of Heaven!” That’s a nice sentiment, but I’m not sure that’s how it works. In the grand scheme of eternity I doubt God is up there getting antsy about days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries, or even millennia. Why would God be impatient about such matters? Like God is up there going “Oh ME, I don’t know who to take up to Heaven today! Who deserves it now and who can wait a little while longer? Hmm let’s see...” This would mean that every elderly person in the world is being avoided by God. God is doing the heavenly equivalent of blocking them on social media. He doesn’t want to hear or see them, they can stay down there on Earth and rot for a couple more decades. THEN finally, at age 110 God will decide it’s their time and he’s finally ready to bring them in. That seems weird. I mean the lord does work in mysterious ways, but that’s a little ridiculous. And what about dying babies? Wouldn’t God want to give them at least a couple of years? Talk about jumping the gun! I guess God loves having babies around. Thank Him, he doesn’t love babies too much because a Heaven where God is just swimming in babies would mean a very horrific Earth where babies are constantly dying left and right. I guess babies are a rare indulgence for the almighty like sneaking a chocolate here and there.

Looks like it was their time, a long time ago.

Ask McFartnuggets: “What is Phone Book?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I heard this word “phone book” the other day and I could swear I’ve heard about that before. Is that like a social media website for smartphones to connect to each other or something? What is PhoneBook? -- Madeline from Orlando, Florida

Dear Madeline:

No, it’s not a social media network for phones... Believe it or not there was a giant dictionary sized book made of toilet paper thin pages that people used to keep in their homes. This book had their personal phone number listed in it with everyone else’s and was distributed to every residence in the city. Ironically, in today’s oversharing society, the idea of giving your phone number to everyone in your town seems crazy. These days it’s much more understandable to share intimate details of your life with everyone on the internet which basically means the entire world. I suppose the phone book was sort of the Facebook of the past. It was the one way people ignored their desire for privacy and said “Fuck it, if someone from my past wants to get into touch with me they can go ahead and just call my house.” Now it’s “I hope everyone from my past adds me on Instagram!” As a society we’ve moved away from the telephone call and gone to text communication. In doing so, a lot of the intimacy involved with a phone call is being compensated for in the expanse of details we share about our lives through text. So it may seem we have lost all sense of privacy and communication, but things are almost completely the same when you consider how crazy a phone book was.

Phone books, or as homeless people refer to them "Public jizz rags."

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