Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Can’t I Marry My Dog?”

I don't care how cold it gets
you can't marry your dog.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’m in love with my dog Noodles. We share a bond like I’ve never felt in my entire life. I never thought a love like this could exist between a human and a dog. The courts say I can’t marry him though. Why the hell not? We’re practically already married, but the law won’t recognize our love officially. Why is there so much ignorance still left in the world? We let gays marry so why not people and dogs? Isn’t love love no matter what? Who the hell are people to tell me I can’t marry a dog? It’s my life, it’s my dog’s life. It doesn’t affect anyone but us. Why do people try to get between two living beings’ happiness? -- Samantha from Madison, Wisconsin

Dear Samantha:
Uhhh… Yeah I guess. The difference is when two people get married they’re both aware of what’s going on. It’s a fully consensual agreement where they both agree to enter the bond. With dogs, they love you obviously, but can’t literally agree to be married. It’d be like marrying a brain dead person. I don’t think you can do that either. Being married wouldn’t hurt the brain dead person, but there’s still something a little wrong about that because even if drooling means “I do,” the state can’t recognize that as of yet. Plus, a dog can’t really wear a wedding ring. Even a person with no hands could wear it on their toe, but how’s a dog gonna wear a wedding ring? Around its collar? Maybe one day, but not yet.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll do my best to answer in an expeditious manner.

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