The Top 10 Worst Baby Names of 2014

Picking a good name is no promise
of success. But a bad name can
screw someone for life.

With the fall and winter coming up, a lot of babies will be born from people boning in the springtime. Sometimes when you have a baby and you haven’t decided on a name you have to scramble to think of something fast. Sometimes you might pick up a newspaper like Robin Williams did in “Mrs. Doubtfire.” That is a terrible mistake. Don’t do that. Otherwise you might wind up giving your baby one of these terrible names that is sure to be met with a lot of controversy:

5. Putin

Vladimir Putin is one of the most unliked political figures of 2014 so if you’re looking through a news website for a baby name you might want to pass over little baby Putin. Plus it could be mistaken for “Pooting” which is a slang word for farting.

4. Malaysia

Now Malaysia might sound like a pretty name, but if you name your daughter that, god forbid she ever goes missing because no one will bat an eyelash. That’s all part and parcel for things with Malaysia in their name.

3. Ebola

With an imminent Ebola worldwide pandemic on the way, naming your kid Ebola is probably not the best idea. It is a cool sounding name and probably means something much nicer in Congolese, but no one wants their child to be the physical embodiment of an African hemorrhagic fever.

2. Humphrey

Humphrey is on this list just because it’s a weird name. There’s no new reason why you shouldn’t name your baby this, it just continues to be a poor name choice. Who names their kid Humphrey anymore? Who ever did? Even in the 50’s I couldn’t fathom naming a baby Humphrey. That’s not a name for a person that’s something you name a whale at an aquarium.

And the number one worst baby name of 2014 is…

1. Isis

Hopefully you didn’t name your baby this because you thought it was a pretty sounding Egyptian name before ISIL took hold in Iraq and Syria. Even more hopefully you didn’t name your baby this AFTER ISIL took hold in Iraq and Syria. This name is number one on the list because it’s actually something people might want to name their kid or already have. Those people are really regretting that shit now, boy! When that kid sees armed policemen with assault rifles and asks his mom why they’re there, she has to say “They’re here to protect us from Isis.” Then the kid feels like a monster. It’s very sad.

You'd think naming a baby after the goddess of health, marriage, and love would be a safe bet...