Dumbass Sayings: “Ass Backwards”

Sometimes when you’re doing something wrong like pushing rolling luggage in front of you instead of pulling it or breastfeeding a homeless person people will say “You’re completely ass backwards.” I have a big problem with this phrase. For starters, what’s the opposite of ass backwards? Ass forwards? Asses are meant to be backwards. That’s how asses come if you were one of the many lucky babies without a severe birth defect. If your ass is forwards then you need to have a serious corrective surgery because you’re probably shitting into your stomach. The key to a good saying is it should make sense one way or the other. When someone’s doing something right you would never congratulate them on being “ass forward.” If someone had an ass on their front, that would be the real “ass backwards.” You wouldn’t say they’re “nipples forward” either. This notion of linking an orientation with corresponding body parts is just bizarre and absurd. So basically “ass backwards” just means “backwards” and the ass part is thrown in there for no good reason. The only time someone should ever be told they’re “ass backwards” is when they’re wearing a thong the wrong way.

Looks like someone needs to shave their ass.