The Top 10 Worst Things To Give Out To Trick-or-Treaters

No you can have ONE of each!
When deciding what to hand out to trick or treaters on Halloween there are definitely some serious do’s and don’ts. Passing out the wrong items can result in some very serious negative consequences or “tricks” as they call them for not only yourself but the costumed youngsters. Here are the top 10 things you shouldn’t be handing out for Halloween:

10. Popcorn ball
Who was the first person to think it was okay to give out popcorn on Halloween? I know popcorn is next to candy at the movie theater concession stand, but that doesn’t make it interchangable. If that was true you could give out pretzel bites on Halloween with little cups of melted cheese. At least dip your balls in caramel first, hold on that sounded weird.

You can't just put snacks in spherical form and think that's okay.

9. Raisins
Raisins may be sweet and promote a healthy digestive system, but unless they’re covered in chocolate and in a “Goobers” box you better forget about it. It’s just a chocolate-less version of a better item. That’s like just handing out wafers or nougat. Chocolate is key.

Sun-Maid: Disappointing children since 1912.

8. Good & Plenty
Good & Plenty is a classic candy, unfortunately they look and taste like birth control pills. But seriously, they do look too much like drug capsules which can lead kids who do enjoy licorice to associate goodness with narcotics. And for those who don’t like licorice, they’re just flat out disgusting. There are no positives here.

Ask your doctor if Good & Plenty is right for you.

7. Bag of stale cereal
I don’t care if you forgot Halloween was coming because you’re 80-years-old, don’t hand out baggies of old cereal. New cereal wouldn’t even be acceptable. If you’re planning to hand out bags of cereal just stay inside laying on the floor with the lights off and pretend to not be home.

Yeah thanks. I already had breakfast, old lady!

6. Bag of pennies
Another elderly person classic, except this is an even worse “treat” these days due to economic inflation. A bag of pennies is worth less than a turd basically. You may as well just shit in a zip loc and hand that to a kid. At least that’s somewhat of a thrill for them and a fun story to tell later on.

It's not 1912! You can't put a down payment on a house with a sack of pennies anymore, grandma!

5. Candy apple with razor blade inside
Candy apples with razors are always a big threat on Halloween. Some people like to hand them out just to spite those who say they’re an urban legend, but it’s just not worth the effort. Half the time you’re going to end up cutting yourself and you deserve it, you sick bastard.

First off you've gotta be a member of the dollar shave club or some shit to have that many razors.

4. Regular apple
A regular apple is actually worse than a candy apple with a razor. At least with a razor candy apple you can take it home and cut it open to remove the blade and enjoy a sweet tasty treat. That’s fun and exciting. It’s like disarming a bomb and then eating it too. A regular apple is just boring. Halloween ain’t about produce.

Saddest trick-or-treater ever.

3. Condoms
I know your heart may be in the right place giving out birth control to kids on Halloween and it’s not really hurting anyone, but it’s sending the wrong message. Most trick-or-treaters are too young to be sexually active anyway so you’re pretty much just handing them a choking hazard.

They may be literal "Life Savers" but that doesn't mean they can substitute for candy.

2. Bibles
Again, the heart is in the right place, but Halloween is a pagan holiday. This is the one time when everyone in the country collectively shuns Christianity and embraces evil. Let the pagans have their day, you’ve got the rest of the year to sell your stories.

If you leave a bowl of Bibles outside your house for trick-or-treaters you don't have to bother making a "Take only ONE Please" sign. No one listens to those.

And the number one worst thing to hand out on Halloween is…

1. Influenza
Yes, the flu. Not enough people keep this in mind during trick-or-treating, but Halloween is one of the biggest days of the year for the Flu. There’s no other day where people who might be sick put their hands all over candy and give it to kids who then throw that candy right down their gullets. Halloween is usually chilly which means people’s immune systems are weakened and children are at higher risk for flu anyway. At the end of the night those little pumpkin head buckets are just petri dishes filled with the germs of every person in town and those potential viral strains will be consumed very fast. There should probably be a special orange Halloween themed Purell that is fortified to kill Ebola. I’m surprised that hasn’t come out. What are the Purell people doing?

I hope those little pricks got their flu shots!

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