The Top 5 Worst Things To Use As A Bidet

It looks like a sink for tiny
people, but it's not!

We all want that fresh from the bidet feeling, but not everyone has the means or time to construct a world class bidet in their own home. There are a lot of different alternatives to a real bidet, but a great number of them are very uncomfortable and some even scarring. Here are the top 5 worst things to use as a bidet:

5. Garden hose

You might think that a garden hose is a nice bidet alternative but the water that comes from the hose can be very filthy. A lot of bacteria and mold grows on the inside of the hose so when the water comes out you could be spraying parasites and mosquito larvae directly into your ass. Also, the neighbors tend to stare.

Guns might not kill people, but pistol headed garden hoses can if you spray a brain eating worm into your ass.

4. That thing at the dentist that squirts water

Why would you use that as a bidet? Why? Do you know how unsanitary that is? I mean the water pressure isn’t even THAT good. Plus the jet is small as hell. That is meant to spray teeth and gums not anuses.

They don't leave people alone with the equipment very long specifically for this reason.

3. Mall wishing fountain

If you’re going to wash your ass in the mall fountain make sure you do it when the mall is closed otherwise you’re risking some very serious jail time. Plus, I sincerely doubt that’s the wish people were making when they threw their coin in.

It looks nice, but feels much different.

2. Public drinking fountain

You’d have to be pretty crazy to even drink out of a public drinking fountain so you’d have to be clinically psychotic to wash your ass in one. Why? Because some psychos wash their asses in them.

I assume you can get Mono in your butt.

And the number one worst thing to use as a bidet is...

1. Firehose

Yes you will get cleaned out, but what falls out might also be your entire lower intestines. The water pressure of a firehose is just too much to be aimed at the human rectum. I’m sorry. Just don’t do it.

A bidet should never be hooked up to a hydrant.