The Top 10 Ways To Describe An Ugly Baby

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We’ve all been in a situation where your friend or relative has invited you to meet their new baby and the baby looks ODD. I don’t want to use the term “ugly” but the baby just has strange and unusual facial proportions. The forehead is either gigantic or way too small, one eye is off closer to the ear than the other, the nose is growing out of the mouth, etc. Now no one wants to tell a person their baby is ugly because it’s the ultimate insult to a new parent. There are other words to use to describe the baby to the parents in a way that cushions their ego and yet also doesn’t entirely mask the truth. Here are the top 10 ways to describe an ugly baby:

10. “Remarkable”
Remarkable means “Notably or conspicuously unusual; extraordinary worthy of notice or attention.” So you’re telling the parents the truth with the “unusual” part and yet every parent will agree with the second part of that definition. They think their baby is the end all be all of the world and should be thrust onto a golden pedestal before the entire Earth’s population to be praised. Unfortunately the kid looks like he was breastfed on bourbon, chemo, and bongwater.

9. “Exotic”
Exotic is a very vague term that most people view as a compliment. It means foreign, strange, and unusual. The only negative to using this word is the parents might confuse it with “Erotic” or “Exotic dancer” and think you’re coming onto their baby. That would be bad.

8. “Unique”
Unique sounds nice and has long been a common patronizing word used to describe the facially challenged. As long as the people you’re patronizing don’t realize that, it’ll work great.

6. “Fascinating”
Just like driving past a car wreck, seeing a strangely faced baby can be “fascinating.” This word expresses a morbid curiosity with the macabre that goes along with staring at a oddly proportioned or disfigured baby.

5. “Striking”
This is very accurate word to use when you see a weird looking baby. When you catch that first glance and you have that little jolt of horror you want to cover that up immediately by gasping “STRIKING!” to the parents. Most people associate this word with “Striking beauty” so they’re thrilled to hear it.

4. “One of a kind”
Much like a Picasso, a baby with bizarre facial attributes is truly one of a kind. You might see similar things in circuses and freak shows across the land, but nothing is EXACTLY like that one baby.

3. “Peregrine”
Peregrine means “Foreign; alien; coming from abroad” so it’s not a bad word to use for a weird lookin’ baby. You’re basically calling it an alien and yes it does come from a broad. Plus, most people don’t use this word so they’ll be unfamiliar with it and assume it’s a compliment.

2. “Astonishing”
When you call a baby “astonishing” the parents usually take it to mean good things. You’re basically telling them their baby is amazing and that’s all they ever want to hear. Meanwhile they have no idea you’re referring to how far the baby’s eyes are bulging out.

And the number one way to describe an ugly baby is...

1. “Breathtaking”
When you first see that baby and the air escapes from your lungs no one has to know that was induced by horror and not the witnessing of a cute baby. Simply say “Breathtaking” and walk out of the room. When they ask why you left just say “I can’t handle looking at something that cute” and never discuss the baby again.

When seeing a baby makes you look like this you need a quick save.

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