Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Aren’t There Any Obese Magicians?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I want to be a magician someday but I’m a little obese. I’m around 410 lbs. Also, I just realized there are like no obese magicians. Penn from Penn and Teller is husky, but he’s not obese. I’m looking for magicians who are Jared before Subway obese. Why don’t you see more obese magicians? Do magicians not want to teach their tricks to fat people? -- Latrell from Newcastle, Wyoming

Dear Latrell:
I think the main issue with being an obese magician is a lot of tricks require a high level of physical fitness. For instance, it doesn’t matter how hard an obese person practices they can’t fit into some of those boxes that magicians have to get into. A morbidly obese person would never be able to do any of the things Houdini did aside from get punched in the stomach. That they would probably kick ass at, but unfortunately solely receiving socks to the gut does not a magician make. A lot of tricks also require the magician to hide in an enclosed space to give the illusion that he or she has disappeared. If a magician is out of shape or has extra fat in the larynx you will hear a wheezing sound which will give away the trick and ruin the illusion. Of course there probably is a special obese magician who will prove all the critics wrong and it will be even more impressive when he walks on water because we’ll all be shocked that the glass isn’t cracking. That will really freak people’s minds. I kid of course, it is a shame you don’t see more obese magicians. I hope that changes in the near future and I hope that obese magician is you, Latrell!

"TA-DAAA! All the food is gone!"

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