Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do My Nipples Get Hard When It’s Cold?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Heyo, how come nipples get hard in the cold? What is that? Why does this need to happen? I don’t get it. It’s very annoying every time I accidentally bump into someone at work when the AC is on and their sharp tits stab into me. Is this really necessary? -- D-Train from Bangor, Maine

Dear D-Train:
The hardening of nipples in the cold is an involuntary bodily response much like goosebumps. In that way nipples are really just like two big goosebumps. Scientists don’t know if there’s a real reason for this, but if I were to venture a guess I would say it has to do with human attraction. Now in the winter, people are always wearing extra clothing so there’s less to physically attract us to each other. When a woman is wearing a thick sweater during January there’s no real sexiness happening. But thanks to cold nipples if she’s got those daggers piercing out at least there’s something. It’s not a lot, but it’s something. It’s not a low cut shirt with cleavage and sweat when a cool breeze comes by, but when you’re fighting through a rough winter you take what you can get. If it weren’t for hard winter nipples you’d probably see a drastic drop in the number of babies born in the summer. Just a theory I’m testing out.

In Soviet Russia, your nipples make cold pointy.

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