Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Old People Love Feeding Birds So Much?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I see this old lady in the park every single day feeding birds and she hasn’t noticed me masturbating once! Haha jk… She has. This bitch throws fresh hot bagels she buys from the bakery at pigeons while there’s a guy who lives in the park under a tree dying of starvation. I’ve also seen old men feeding ducks in the pond too. What is with these old people and feeding birds? I’ve not once in my life seen anyone below 70-years-old feeing a bird. What is their damn problem? -- Julian from Pittsburgh

Dear Julian:
I think a lot of people eventually tire of other human beings. When you’ve lived long enough it’s normal to become embittered and hateful because the negative things in life tend to pile up and leave scars while the good things never heal the scars. So when you see that elderly woman in the park throwing ten dollar croissants at rat birds you have to understand it’s because she’s metaphorically a giant ball of cancerous scar tissue. Maybe decades ago she would have given her bagels to a homeless person, but one day a homeless person went crazy on her and now she holds that against every hobo she comes across. When you’re in your concluding years on this planet your mindset changes. You probably realize none of anything here matters and so why not just do what makes you happy? For many, that’s avoiding other people and tossing starchy baked goods at birds. Maybe you want to be reincarnated as a bird and figure if that does happen you’d like some old lady to be feeding you too. Basically it’s just old people feeding really old people reborn as birds. Thanks for the question.

The older you get, the more you start wanting to care for anything that isn't a human.

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