Ask McFartnuggets: ”Why Do People Riot During Protests?

Dear McFartnuggets: 

With the violence during the protests for Freddie Mercury, I’ve been asking why people make the decision to riot. What does this accomplish? Do these people really think that setting cars on fire and looting will help the cops take it easier on them and view them as less of a threat? As far as I can see the only good thing about rioting is it makes loads of money for news companies aka rich White men. Is that really what these protesters want to do? -- Wanda from Providence, Rhode Island

Dear Wanda:

It’s actually Freddie Gray, although the Mercury IS RISING. Rioting has been getting a bad rap lately, but there are some positives. For starters, it’s a great full body workout. You work a lot of different muscles by throwing garbage cans and turning over cars that you can’t normally target with normal exercise. Also, it gets people outside socializing. If we were worried about kids these days staying inside playing video games and getting obese, rioting is definitely one solution to that. Plus, rioting is a nice way to release your anger. As long as no one gets hurt, what’s the big deal? Have you ever set a car on fire before? It’s very satisfying. Cars are basically like giant super expensive scented candles. You set a couple of those ablaze and it really helps relieve tension. As far as looting goes that also has some positives. If people are looting from big companies like Best Buy and Walmart then maybe those companies will put more pressure on police to stop killing random Black people. Now that’s a long shot, but it’s theoretically possible if enough shit is stolen. Everything has a silver lining, even riots. It may be hard to see, but I’m always looking on the bright side and with all the car fires, things are looking brighter than ever!

Sometimes the cops use tear gas and it's always nice to have a good cry every now and then.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Screw The Pooch”

Sometimes at work when you miss a deadline on a report your co-workers say “You really screwed the pooch there!” Look I get that I made a mistake, but I think there’s a slight difference between missing a deadline and copulating with a dog. One is just an accident because you got really drunk one night and the other is missing a deadline at work… Of course I’m being facetious. Clearly, making love to a dog is a serious crime so unless your act of figuratively “screwing of the pooch” is an illegal activity then this phrase shouldn’t be used to describe it. Bestiality is not something to be joked about in the workplace. Don’t you see all those commercials about rescue dogs? People take animals very seriously and that means you can’t fuck them. Could you imagine if you missed a deadline on a report and people at work said “Boy you really got caught on Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator!” People take that much too seriously to be joking about it. Well, I think giving a dog your bone should be right up there with meeting teenagers in chatrooms. You shouldn’t be joking about that stuff at work, Andrew.

This isn't what it looks like.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Are Fake Asses Considered Worse Than Fake Tits?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Why is it that surgically enhanced asses are seen as so much more ratchet than surgically enhanced tits? They’re both fake so why is getting butt implants less acceptable in society? -- Gill from Montpelier, Vermont

Dear Gill:

Yes they are both fake, however there is a bit of a difference between breasts and asscheeks. Some people think breasts are just an ass on your chest, but they actually serve a purpose as milk sacks for babies. So when a woman has really small breasts she can be seen as a less attractive potential mother of children. If a woman has a small ass that doesn’t really affect how well she can nourish a baby. The key thing is that a woman with a small ass can just start eating a lot of cheese and doing ass exercises to make her bottom bigger. A woman with small breasts can’t really do any exercises to make tit flesh grow. That’s the big difference. A woman who wants breast implants has no real other options so it’s seen as more acceptable. A woman who wants a bigger ass has a couple different options and having a fake ass implanted is the laziest of those choices. Thanks for the question.

Fake breasts? Fake asses? What is reality anyway? Let's try to answer THAT first.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Udderly Disturbing Ice Cream Commercial From The 60’s

Here we see the first signs that Timmy is taking more after his “Uncle” Jethro than his biological father. Although the father was unsure of his boy acting like a frozen dairy bitch, the delicious taste of that dutch chocolate ice cream made him forget all about it.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Believe in Karma?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

If karma was real wouldn’t every good person who volunteered to do charity work end up becoming a millionaire? Or if karma was real wouldn’t Hitler have died much sooner of a heart attack or stroke? Obviously karma is a load of crap. It’s crazy that anyone with a brain could believe in this stuff. Oh no I’m getting chest pains! Haha just kidding… -- Oliver from Moorhead, Minnesota

Dear Oliver:

I think a lot of people believe in karma because they want their actions to have some sort of benefit to themselves. A lot of people can’t simply do something good, they want to do something good so they get the karma. They believe the good karma will benefit them which in itself is a reason the karma should be neutralized. That’s the reason I think karma doesn’t work for a lot of people. You don’t get credit for shit you do if you’re only doing it to cover your own ass with good karma. You receive good karma only for things you do because you’re a good person and if you completely ignore the idea of karma. As far as bad karma goes, it’s possible that it simply doesn’t exist. I think we’ve seen enough proof to arrive at that conclusion. If negative karma was real we wouldn’t need jails, murderers would instantly drop dead instead of being able to run away and elude police. So don’t worry about karma, if it does exist it’s occurring in the background of life and any attempts to manipulate it will be fruitless.

Only a truly enlightened person sees life as an endless knot of bullshit.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and make sure to type “Dear McFartnuggets” in the subject so it doesn’t go to my spam box.

Dumbass Sayings: “What Are You Looking At?”

Sometimes when you’re staring at someone at Starbucks for a really long time they’ll close their laptop and say “What are you looking at?!” What am I looking at? Apparently I’m looking at someone who doesn’t know what they are. Are they asking me or are they asking themselves? People should be saying “Who are you looking at?” What is wrong with these people that they can’t even identify themselves as a WHO and not an IT? Maybe I’m looking at them because of how insecure they are. Of course they know I’m looking at them. Who else could I possibly be looking at? Is their vision that bad? These people make me sad because they’re clearly having some self-identity issues. When people look at me I never ask “What are you looking at?” Because I know. I know they’re looking at one badass mofo and I don’t blame them. Soak it in. A confident person never asks “What are you looking at?” They simply say “Enjoy the view while you can, before the greatness cauterizes your eyeballs.”

"You got a problem, bitch? Do you wanna take this outside?!"

The Top 5 Women’s Sports That Are Better Than The Men’s Version

In almost all instances, the male version of sports are the ones people want to pay to see. This can be attributed to an increase in speed, size, strength, and overall skill level as it relates to the manipulation of balls. However, there are some sports where the women’s version is actually much more entertaining to watch. Here are the top 5 women’s sports that are better than the men’s version:

5. Softball

Watching grown men play softball is sort of depressing. The underarmed whirling pitch motion looks more natural for a woman. A man would just look silly throwing like that. Softball was seemingly invented as a women’s version of baseball so it’s like a bizarro version of baseball where men are at a disadvantage.

No man should ever be making this throwing motion.

4. Volleyball

Does men’s volleyball even exist? Who would watch that? The movie “Top Gun” featured the only instance of men’s volleyball that anyone has ever wanted to see. Women’s college volleyball is relatively popular due to the short shorts they wear, but men playing volleyball in college is almost absurd. Who gives scholarships for something like that?

Women are a lot better at smacking balls for some reason.

3. Synchronized Swimming

Synchronized swimming is kind of like aquatic cheerleading. Any sport is a little less masculine when water is added so when you add water to choreographed dancing that’s strictly female territory.

Even women have a hard time making this sport look socially acceptable.

2. Rhythmic Gymnastics

You know that thing where a woman dances around with a ribbon? It’s not even that much fun to watch when a woman is doing it. I’m not even sure there is a male version of rhythmic gymnastics, but if there is, it’s probably even less popular than a woman’s football league is less popular than the NFL.

No you're not having a stroke, this is the Olympic logo for Rhythmic Gymnastics.

And the number one women’s sport that’s better than the male version is….

1. Pole Dancing

Yes I consider pole dancing a sport. It’s certainly more athletic and competitive than Chess, Curling, Billiards, Archery, or Darts which are all considered sports. It’s basically like gymnastics for women of the night. The whole idea of pole dancing is meant to be phallic so it looks a little more natural when a woman does it. I’ve pole danced before and it just felt awkward for everyone involved. Then I was subdued and banned from the strip club for life, but before that it really made my arms burn so that’s how I know it takes athletic prowess.

It's one of the only sports that can take place inside an actual trailer.

Dumbass Sayings: “Does That Ring Any Bells?”

Sometimes when you’re at the club and a woman you don’t remember ever seeing before says you slept together. She shows you a clit pic and says “Does this ring any bells?!” Ringing bells? How is that phrase supposed to make any sense? Are memories a series of hollow, cup-shaped metal objects? What is my mind, a belfry? Is that why this woman resembles Quasimodo? I must have been really drunk! Now I know sometimes revisiting the past can be very painful, but not “ringing a giant bell in your cranium” painful, that would be excruciating. Also, when you get your “bell rung” that’s a slang term for being smashed in the skull. The last time I checked, severe head trauma was not a great way to reminisce. If you want someone to remember something you should never ring their bell unless they have amnesia. Even then it’s still probably not advisable to beat someone in the head with a blunt object.

Town criers should have photographic memories with all the bells they ring.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Where’s The Best Place to Aim When You Pee?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I was just wondering what do you think the best place to aim when you pee is? When I aim straight for the center it always kicks up piss mist that splatters onto the seat which my grandmother complains about, but if I aim for the side of the bowl to get the pee to roll down silently like a ninja sometimes I’ll miss entirely and pee all over the floor. What is your technique? -- Deacon from Lowell, Massachusetts

Dear Deacon:

Yeah I know what you mean. I never aim for the center because it’s basically like spraying a water cannon into the toilet. As you said, aiming for the sides is great because the concave shape of the bowl somehow minimizes the pee recoil, except in the event of a stray stream where the jet suddenly comes out at a perpendicular angle. What I’ve been doing lately is just peeing into a gallon sized jug. You get basically no splash back and when it gets too full I just pour it into the bathtub so there’s no unpredictability. Then if you want you can “flush” by turning the shower on. Then again that’s IF you want to. As they say if it’s yellow let it mellow, urine is sterile. I use my toilet for pooping only now. I would never pee in the shower though, that’s disgusting.

If you're having trouble with your accuracy it may be time to invest in a wide rim Italian toilet.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and remember to include your name and town.

Dumbass Sayings: “Highway Robbery”

Whenever you hear someone at a garage sale complaining about the price of a used dildo they scream “EIGHT DOLLARS???!!! THIS IS HIGHWAY ROBBERY!” Right, because that’s a thing. When was the last time you heard of someone getting robbed on the highway? If highway robbery was a realistic threat then people would keep guns in their cars for something other than road rage and the instances of roadside shootings would skyrocket because everyone would have a gun in their car. How does someone even rob you on the highway? Do they pull you over and take your wallet? Obviously they don’t take your car because then that would just be called “Carjacking” and no one looks at the price of an avocado at the farmers market and says “This is carjacking!” Why is highway robbery such a bad thing? As they’re driving away you can memorize their license plate and turn them in. Being mugged on the street is worse than that because all you can do is give a physical description of the person which almost always results in the police questioning and harassing the wrong people. If anything the term “Highway robbery” should be used to mean something that very rarely occurs. For example if you see a shooting star you can say “Hey that’s highway robbery! Except now I’ve seen a shooting star. I’ve never seen anyone get robbed on the highway though!”

Don't drive on a highway at night unless you have the doors locked!

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Airplanes Really Have Oxygen Masks Drop From The Ceiling?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I read that airplanes have those oxygen masks that drop from the ceiling because if they didn’t people would lose oxygen and lose consciousness. What I wanna ask is why is that such a bad thing? If my plane is crashing I think that’s a moment I’d like to be unconscious for. Why would anyone want to be lucid and aware the moment they smash into the ground or an ocean? There was that myth in “Fight Club” that the masks get people high well that’s completely unnecessary because being unconscious is doing one better than being high so why do they really have the oxygen masks? Shouldn’t they do away with them entirely? -- Katelynn from Alexandria, Virginia

Dear Katelynn:

What you’re referring to is altitude sickness and hypoxia which take effect when there’s a loss in cabin pressure. Obviously it’s not safe to just be unconscious from a lack of oxygen. There can be some serious complications if you survive the ordeal. The nice thing about the masks is they’re optional. They don’t deploy from the ceiling and wrap themselves around your head like facehuggers from the “Alien” movies. If that were the case then I could see your point about not having them there. However, they are optional so it’s really up to you if you want to risk potential brain damage in the event you survive or if you’d like to just pass out and enter the eternal slumber of death prematurely to avoid the tremendous pain of a fatal impact. It’s the ultimate gamble.

If you're going really fast over land it's probably best to lose consciousness.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Sell The Sizzle, Not The Steak”

One of the most famous sayings in the world of sales is “Sell the sizzle, not the steak.” This is really weird advice that doesn’t actually work. First off, how many steak salesmen are there? Even if there was a steak salesman I’m pretty sure they would sell the actual steak. How the hell would he or she sell the sizzle of a steak? How does one judge a sizzle? How can you tell which sizzles are good and which aren’t? Any steak can sizzle, only a moron would make a purchase based on the hissing sound produced by the act of frying. There might be a steak that sizzles great and tastes like taint because it’s covered with special sizzle enhancing chemicals. Selling the sizzle is an incredibly dishonest practice. This saying should be “Find morons and take advantage of them.” That’s a more honest interpretation of “Sell the sizzle, not the steak” of course if you’re being honest you’re probably not in sales.

If you're selling nipple flesh then you want to sell the sizzle because that's about the only positive.

Ask McFartnuggets: “If Life is a Gift Then is Suicide Like Regifting?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
People are always telling me life is a gift so does that mean when someone commits suicide they’re regifting it? Maybe they’re not depressed maybe they’re just being thrifty. -- Lou from Dover, Delaware

Dear Lou:

No, regifting it would actually be a better thing to do with the gift of life. If you were regifting it then that means you would give up your life to someone who was dead or dying so they could keep living. If you’re thinking of life as a gift then suicide is more like returning life back to the store. That’s why people view it as such a selfish act because you’re not appreciative of the gift and that always hurts whoever gave you the gift. That’s also why people think you go to hell when you kill yourself. It’s easy to see how the creator would be offended by you returning their gift. Now if our creator gave us the receipt and said “If you don’t like it you can return it for something you want” then that would be a little more comforting. Lord knows how much they spend on each life so to just throw it in the trash like that is pretty insulting.

The least you can do is pretend to enjoy the gift.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Song Lyrics: “Let Me See What Spring is Like on Jupiter and Mars”

In the 1954 song “In Other Words” written by Kaye Ballard and Bart Howard, the singer says “Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.” The song is sung from the perspective of one person talking to another person that they love. You can tell this was written before people had any real understanding of the solar system. Obviously spring or any season for that matter would be absolutely horrifying on Jupiter and Mars. There’s no way you can compare a positive relationship with a person to life on any of the other planets. Unless you enjoy choking to death on Carbon Dioxide with minus 80 degree temperatures on Mars or sinking into a liquid nitrogen surface in minus 234 degrees on Jupiter, this would be a poorly thought out desire. To me that sounds like a very icy, unstable, distant, and smothering relationship. That’s usually everything people DON’T want to see when they’re dating someone.

Everyone loves Spring on Jupiter! All the flowers bloom and the birds chirp, just kidding it's a windy desert of poison death.

Dumbass Sayings: “Procrastination”

Sometimes when you remind your girlfriend she has to get an abortion she says “Sorry I forgot I’ll do it tomorrow. You know how much of a procrastinator I am!” Before you know it she keeps putting it off and putting it off until her water breaks and it’s too late. That’s when you realize that procrastination isn’t actually a real thing. “Procrastination” is just a word that people use as an excuse not to do things and it’s a bullshit excuse. The reason procrastination isn’t a real thing is because you’re always procrastinating in one form or another. There are always things that you’re delaying. You can’t do everything at once. We are all procrastinating right now and it’s part of life that isn’t even worth mentioning unless you’re looking to explain why you didn’t pay your taxes. Even if you think you’re not procrastinating, you are because you’re going to procrastinate eventually which means you’re putting off procrastination. We are always in a constant state of procrastination. And also who the hell decided to spell the word like that? I feel like by the time I get to the “cras” part I want to just give up and pronounce the rest tomorrow. This word must have been a joke that people somewhere along the line people started taking seriously.

Eh, I guess I can do all this heroin tomorrow.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is Sentencing Someone To Life in Jail Really Morally Better Than The Death Penalty?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I hear that people are saying we can’t use the death penalty because it’s immoral and wrong. Instead people want criminals to spend their life in jail as an alternative, even though some people say life in jail is a worse punishment than death. I think it can be. So if life in jail is harsher than death then shouldn’t that be taken into account when deciding the morality of it? If you’re putting someone through a fate worse than death then that has to be morally worse than just putting them out of their misery. Why then is everyone so against the death penalty from a moral standpoint? Either it’s worse than the death penalty and therefore more morally reprehensible than the death penalty, OR it’s a lesser punishment and then should not be seen as appropriate when handed down to the worst, most egregious murderers. Which is it? -- Jazzmine from Miami, Florida

Dear Jazzmine:

That’s a good point. I think people are just caught up on the killing aspect. Some people really just don’t want to execute criminals. It’s the difference between leaving someone to rot in jail versus executing them. Most people don’t feel comfortable executing someone even if the death is very clinical and the alternative of life in prison is like a prolonged torturing of a person’s mind. It is a bit of a hypocrisy. Still, there is that difference between taking a life and just letting one slowly decompose alone. As long as we see a difference in those two actions, there will always be people who are against one in favor of the other and will bend their definition of morality to suit their argument.

Would you rather live fifty years here...

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Or seven minutes here?

Dumbass Sayings: “Everyone Gets Knocked Down, What Matters is How Quick You Get Back Up”

Football coaches love saying “Everyone gets knocked down, what matters is how quick you get back up!” It sounds inspirational and it’s sometimes true, but it’s not the right message to be sending to football players, children, or anyone really. If you get knocked down due to a severe blow to the head, most people know it’s best to stay down and remain immobile. When someone gets hit in the head you’re told never to move them or else you risk doing even more damage to their brain. One of the biggest mistakes that athletes make is after suffering a concussive hit to the head is jumping right back up to their feet. They want to appear tough and don’t want the coach to take them out of the game so they keep playing. When you get up too fast and pretend like nothing happened the next hit could cause catastrophic, potentially fatal injury. Even if there isn’t another hard hit, the mere running and accelerated physical activity which seems normal can cause more brain swelling and lead to serious complications. So yes everyone gets knocked down, but if you got knocked down by the head then take your time getting up. Time is your friend. Be patient or you could end up being a patient in a brain hospital somewhere.

Don't get right up. Take your time and collect yourself.

Ask McFartnuggets: “If Bees Go Extinct Can’t We Just Use Hummingbirds To Pollinate Stuff?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I always hear people going on and on about how we can’t let the bees go extinct. If we let the bees go extinct then we’ll all die because the bees pollinate the flowers and if that doesn’t happen then there will be a chain reaction and every species on earth will die! Umm… Hummingbirds pollinate flowers too mafacka! Why can’t we just rely on them bitches if all the bees die? -- Caleb from Vermont

Dear Caleb:

Well that is true, hummingbirds do pollinate flowers, however they don’t pollinate nearly as many flowers, vegetables, and fruits as honey bees. Hummingbirds and bees have evolved to pollinate entirely different flowers to keep each from robbing each other’s nectar. Hummingbirds can see the colors of some flowers that bees can’t and vice versa. The problem is honey bees pollinate lots of food crops like almonds, raspberries, beets, tomatoes, alfalfa, and onions just to name a few. When it comes to food, hummingbirds only pollinate cashews and passion fruit. So unless science can find a way to genetically modify hummingbirds to notice these other plants and pollinate lots of other fruits and vegetables then we’re screwed. This could be particularly difficult because these animals have been altered by generations of evolution along with the plants so there are nuances in the pollination process. It’s not like normal sex where ya just ram it in there, it’s a more delicate process that works great the way it is with honey bees. If those honey bees disappear it will take a lot to replace them.

Hummingbirds are sort of like upside down bees, who aren't stinging assholes.

Thanks for your questions and keep sending them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

The Top 5 Best Ways To Reuse Old Maxi Pads

The social media movement #RecycleYourUsedPeriodPads is gaining a lot of traction these days as people are becoming more environmentally conscious about their maxi pads. Women are beginning to realize that you can’t just throw this stuff in the trash. There are lots of different, inventive uses for old maxi pads (once they’ve been washed off) and here are the top 5:

5. Fashion them into diapers.

If you’ve got a baby or you’re just someone who’s incontinent, you can sew together your old maxi pads to make diapers. They’re basically the same thing so why waste extra money on fresh diapers and throw even more waste into some landfill? Obviously if you have toxic shock syndrome or a yeast infection you’re not gonna want to give the maxi pad diapers to your baby, but otherwise there shouldn’t be a problem.

Diapers are a huge expense for parents. A needless expense.

4. Make them into elbow and knee pads.

Lots of people ride bicycles now to be more environmentally conscious. One thing you don’t see enough is people riding with the proper safety equipment. When was the last time you saw a bicyclist wearing elbow or knee pads? Those are a pain to wear and can be costly so why not just make you own out of old maxi pads and duct tape?

Can normal knee pads absorb the blood from an injury? I don't think so.

3. Bubble wrap substitute.

Bubble wrap and other packing materials are pure waste that takes forever to degrade in a landfill. Why buy that crap when you can just tape some old maxi pads around your old iPod that you’re selling on eBay? You want it to break do you? That would hurt your seller rating!

At least pack with something that has a use before and or after the shipping.

2. Sleeping mask.

Getting your beauty sleep is important and a huge part of beauty sleep is wearing a mask over your eyes to keep the light out. Why waste money on expensive sleeping masks when you can just attach some twine to either side of an old maxi pad and use that to cover your face? People sleep with cucumber slices on their eyes for god sake so don’t worry about looking stupid.

Midget bras also work quite well.

And the number one way to recycle your old maxi pads is...

1. Use them as shoe insoles

Companies like Dr. Scholls make millions selling comfortable shoe inserts and insoles to help cushion people’s feet. Well they’d probably be really mad if people realized they could have been putting old maxi pads in their shoes this whole time. It’s basically the same thing as a cushioned insole but for a fraction of the cost. Hell you can even use new maxi pads and that way you have two emergency pads on you at all times without having to take up space in your purse. Yeah I know, this is going to change the way you live your life. You’re welcome.

The next time someone asks you "Are you gellin?" You can say "No, I have used period pads in my shoes."

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Fans Yell “Charge!” at Baseball Games?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Why at a baseball game do they always do that “Doo doo doo doooo dooo DOOOOO CHARGE!” bullshit? How you gonna tell the players to charge in a sport where there’s no form of charging involved whatsoever? At least in football players charge as a team on kickoffs. You never hear that chant done in football games. At least in basketball there’s actually a charging violation when a player runs over another player. You never hear that done at basketball games. What’s up with that? -- Caleb from Cincinnati, Ohio

Dear Caleb:

It’s known as “fanfare” which is described as a short musical arrangement usually done by brass instruments. The “Charge” fanfare is just an old baseball tradition dating back from the 1950’s. You do hear it in other sports occasionally, but it’s much more common in baseball because baseball is a more pastoral, classic game. They keep a lot more of the old fashioned things which is part of the reason Major League Baseball is falling behind the NFL and NBA in popularity. A lot of the things they do in baseball just don’t make sense in today’s fast paced, technology driven, OCD world and yelling “Charge” at baseball players just happens to be one of them.

The only charging I want to see in baseball is the batter charging the mound.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Sweating Like a Pig”

Sometimes when a coworker will show you their homemade porn on their phone they say “Look at that, I was really sweating like a pig!” Sweating like a pig? What the hell are you talking about? I’ve got some news for ya pal, pigs don’t really sweat. They do have some sweat glands, but when was the last time you saw a really sweaty pig? The only type of pigs that sweat are pigs in a blanket and those aren’t real pigs. When you create a phrase to communicate profuse sweating then the thing you’re comparing yourself to should be something that’s actually sweaty like a meth addict in a Bill Cosby sweater or a Chet from work in his homemade porno. Pigs are famous for rolling around in mud and they do that as a replacement for sweating to cool themselves off. What did you think they were doing that for, just to be gross and to keep people from eating them? Well if that’s the case then it didn’t work because they’re delicious. So the next time some lady at the club says “Good god, get a towel you’re sweating like a disgusting pig!” Say “Guess what, dumbass. Pigs don’t sweat! Get your damn sayings right!”

You see any sweat here, jackass?

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Isn’t Women’s Basketball More Popular?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

How come women’s basketball isn’t more popular in America? When it comes time for March Madness the only people in my office that fill out of a women’s tourney bracket are me and Gerald the creepy janitor. He always beats me too because he says he watches all the college girls really closely. I can’t compete with that! This guy has inside information from all his Facebook stalking, plus he always picks UConn to win. Why aren’t more people into the women’s game? It’s the basically same thing! -- Martha from Bloomington, Indiana

Dear Martha:

Well it’s not exactly the same thing. The fact that there’s no dunking is a big deal. The average height of an NBA player is 6’7 and the average height of a WNBA player is 6’0, but they both play with a 10 foot rim. Imagine if the NBA rim was 12 feet tall and there was no dunking. I think more than a few people would stop watching because it just wouldn’t be as exciting. You could have all the stars like LeBron James you want, it would simply look weird to have the rim be that much taller than the players. Lowering the rims for NCAA women’s basketball and the WNBA would definitely increase ratings. When it comes to why no one cares about women’s March Madness, as you mentioned, UConn always wins so that takes a lot of the fun out of it. The reason that happens is women’s basketball just doesn’t have the talent pool of men’s basketball. That means every year there are like 5 top recruits from the high school level and they all want to go to UConn because it’s a winning school. Why would any girl with talent want to go to another school that won’t compete? Because of that there’s virtually no parity and it’s at the point where UConn winning isn’t even an accomplishment. With every additional title it’s like an avalanche that just keeps gaining snow. When you take the genuine achievement aspect out of sports no one will want to watch because there’s no drama. You’d think with women there’d be at least some drama, but that’s a sexist statement. Hope that answers your question!

Watching giants play basketball is fun, watching dwarfs play basketball is even more fun, but anything in between is not as much fun for some reason.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

The Top 5 Reasons “Mrs. Doubtfire” Would Never Work in Real Life

We all know “Mrs. Doubtfire” is one of the greatest movies ever made, but after you’ve watched it for the 500th time you start to notice minor flaws. The reason the movie is so good is because the flaws don’t really detract from the viewing experience. Still, it’s interesting to think about what would happen if “Mrs. Doubtfire” was real. Here are the top 5 reasons it wouldn’t work out in reality:

5. Background checks.

In real life people tend to do background checks on the people they’re hiring as nannies. I know Daniel Hillard had the connections with his brother to make himself look like a woman, but did he have connections to get him a fake ID and other documentation? He gives one reference over the phone from the Smythe family and that’s adequate enough for Sally Field? That’s not the Miranda I know! Maybe when it’s an elderly woman you turn a blind eye, but this bitch was built like a brickhouse. You do your damn homework on that sort of thing.

"I was very young when I got this ID, dear."

4. Mrs. Doubtfire’s sense of humor.

I can believe that the makeup and costume was good enough to fool the family into thinking Mrs. Doubtfire was an original person, but it would be too much of a coincidence that this woman had the same zany sense of humor as their father. How many elderly English women do you know who act like Robin Williams? That plus the smile should have given him away real early on.

Most elderly women aren't great at physical comedy.

3. Mrs. Doubtfire’s hands.

The one thing Daniel couldn’t hide or make look like an old woman was his hands. There’s a reason they didn’t have any scenes of him as Mrs. Doubtfire touching one of the kids’ faces because you’d see a big ass hairy man hand that was a different skin shade than her face. As with most transvestites, the hands are always a dead giveaway.

"Mrs. Doubtfire why do your hands look like the hands of a hairy man in his 40's?"

2. The two oldest children discovered the truth.

After the son walks in on Mrs. Doubtfire taking a leak, Daniel has to explain the truth to his two oldest kids. From that point on they have to keep his identity a secret in front of their mother and little sister. You don’t see any scenes of them having to pretend he’s still Mrs. Doubtfire besides the restaurant scene and I think that’s intentional. It would be way too awkward to have your dad dressed up in drag just going around the house continuing the charade even though you know the truth. That’s asking a lot of your kids. Which leads us to the number two reason Mrs. Doubtfire wouldn’t work in real life...

Once his son saw that standing piss jet it should have been over.

And the number one reason why Daniel Hillard's plan would never work is...

1. There was no end game.

Let’s say things worked out perfectly, Daniel was able to juggle the two dinners at Bridges, get his own show where he didn’t have to dress like a woman, Pierce Brosnan died, and Miranda gave up custody of the kids. What would become of Mrs. Doubtfire? She was a big part of the kids’ lives and the only reason she ever had to go away was because everyone found out the truth. Daniel’s custody of the kids would rely on no one ever knowing the truth about Mrs. Doubtfire. That means he would either have to keep being Mrs. Doubtfire on and off for years even after he has the kids back OR he would have to make her disappear by either faking her death or having her move back to England. Obviously this would be a little suspicious to everyone particularly Miranda. Why would this man sized nanny suddenly have to leave fairly soon after my ex-husband got the kids back? That’s when it would hit her and she would have the case she needed to regain full custody.

His only hope would be a sympathetic transvestite judge.