The Best Way To Carve A Turkey

Every year on Thanksgiving my family argues back and forth about the best way to carve the turkey. Ultimately we end up letting "Crazy Billy" my epileptic cousin with dental braces cut up the bird by holding it up to his mouth while we turn on a bunch of strobe lights. He shreds that fucking turkey to bits like a combine harvester and makes it so tender that it melts right in your mouth. THAT is the best way to carve a damn turkey. It's almost like a puree or mashed turkey hash, I seriously recommend you try it. It's great for grandma especially after her jaw is broken from backyard football (sorry nana!). But if you're like most families you don't have an epileptic 34-year-old with insanely malformed teeth so you'll just have to settle for using a knife of some sort like a bunch of boring assholes.

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