New Research Suggests Crabs CAN Feel Pain

While the vast majority of people assume that crabs can't feel pain, scientists have recently completed experiments that prove they do. Of course in order to find this out they had to torture crabs themselves, but I guess if it helps stop future abuse of crabs it's fine, right? Too bad that's never going to happen. Look, I really don't care if crabs can feel pain or not, once you decide to set up shop in my pubes and make my Ground Zero of Lovin' itchy as hell then it's on. I actually hope you do feel pain so you can feel at least a fraction of what you made me feel when I burn you out of my bush with a candle. Of course I'm joking, the study wasn't about my crabs, it was about the seafood crabs which basically means Red Lobster is the shellfish equivalent of World War II concentration camp. Animal lovers get upset about how crabs are chopped open and how lobsters are boiled, but pick your battles. Yes Red Lobster is a house of decapodian death, but cows and pigs can actually smile at you and a dozen just had their throats slit just this second. Wouldn't fighting against THAT be slightly more important than fighting for the civil rights of a crawfish or prawn?

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