Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Fall Asleep Fast?”

Those soldiers must have read
them some bedtime stories.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I have a problem falling asleep sometimes at night. I’ll lay in bed for hours with my eyes closed and I just can’t get myself to fall asleep. I would take sleeping medications except they make me act crazy. The last time I took a Lunesta I ended up at a local gas station with the gas pump up my ass. No, I wasn’t conscious while this was happening. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. So what are some natural methods of sleeping I can try to help cure my insomnia? -- Brenda from Tallahassee, Florida

Dear Brenda:
Well I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m having trouble sleeping I call my grandmother. I ask her how her week has been and she starts talking about the most insanely boring things I’ve ever heard. Crochet, needlepoint, backgammon, good god. I try to pay attention because I don’t want to hurt her feelings and that makes my brain get tired FAST. That’s the trick. You could just try to watch a NASCAR race or read a book, but if you don’t really care then your brain will just stop watching and it won’t help you fall asleep. However, if you’re really trying to pay attention, that makes your brain work hard and before you know it you drop the phone on the floor and pass out. When you wake up and pick up the phone, the bitch is still talking.

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