Ask McFartnuggets: "What Should I Do When a Homeless Person Masturbates?"

Hobos love trains
maybe a little too much.
Dear McFartnuggets:
I was on the train on my way to work the other day and a homeless got on board and started touching himself in a romantic manner. I froze in panic and fear as did everyone else. I was totally paralyzed and couldn't even move to run away. One guy actually tried running and the homeless chased him so I guess it was good that I was frozen with fear. Thank God he chased the guy into another train car and it became other people's problem, but what should I do in that scenario the next time God forbid it should ever happen again? -- Crystal from Chicago

Dear Crystal:
There really is no good move when a hobo is pleasuring himself near you. Almost anything you do has the potential to backfire on you. You have to remember the homeless individual is doing what he's doing to mess with people. That means you have to react in an equally shocking way to make him the one feeling uncomfortable. One way to do that might be to start cheering him on. Say "Go hobo! Go hobo, go!" He probably won't know how to react to that and will have to think about what to do causing a pause in the self pleasure. This is not guaranteed to work, but when your back is up against the wall anything is worth a try.

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