Ask McFartnuggets: “Does Sitting Down To Pee Make Me Less of a Man?”

Dear McFartnuggets: My girlfriend walked in on me peeing while sitting down the other night and now she wants to end our relationship. She says I’m gay and not a real man because I pee sitting down and I explained to her that there are many men who do this. Not only that, but many courageous manly men, veterans of the U.S. military who have served tours in Iraq and Afghanistan pee sitting down. They’re in wheelchairs so they don’t really have a choice, but they still pee sitting down. Does that make them any less of a man? Why would it make me less of a man? -- Douglas from Beaumont, Texas

Dear Douglas:
Peeing while sitting down is just generally seen as a very feminine thing to do. It’s no different than if your girlfriend caught you putting a dildo up your ass. There’s just a stigma around it even in 2015 as ignorant as that may be. I should know, I pee sitting down sometimes. Granted, I’m pooping at the time and it’s a little too difficult to keep the piss in so I let it go and I’m technically peeing while sitting down. It’s not that bad. Frankly, it’s a lot better than if I was trying to hold it in while shitting for the sake of being a man. The position you’re in while peeing shouldn’t matter. Some women pee standing up. Are they considered lesbians and unwomanly? No, because it’s impressive to see a woman peeing while standing up assuming she’s not just wetting herself. In the year 2015 where women are becoming more and more respected and equivalent to men, peeing while standing up is one of the last manly things men can do that women can’t. That’s why it’s so important to people, even to women, as a social cue to judge men by. Because no matter how bad women want equality, we still can’t seem to get over the gender roles that society has established for us. According to society we’re all equal, but men should still be manly and women should still be feminine. I don’t think anyone knows what to do anymore so how we behave toward each other is often arbitrary and based on our individual preferences under the judging eye of society. That being said, you should probably just find a woman who can accept you for who you are and lock the door when you pee.

Obviously this is a very flawed technique.

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