Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Stop Getting Skidmarks on My Underpants?

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I live a pretty decent life, I have a great job, a loving husband, and a family that adores me. The only thing I haven’t figured out is how to stop getting skidmarks on my underpants. I know I should wipe better, but I have a very sensitive craphole so rubbing it too hard cracks the skin and that leads to even worse issues that skidmarks. Still, the shitstains are the one negative in my life and I’d really like your help in trying to fix this situation. Appreciate the help! -- Linda from Glens Falls, New York

Dear Norman:
I see your dilemma. I would recommend using a bidet or a handheld ass sprayer to powerwash your shithole. Water should be less abrasive to your third eye than toilet paper. Just make sure you’re using distilled water, you don’t want any minerals in there otherwise it’ll be like you’re fracking your anus which obviously will cause some fissures over time the same way it does with limestone. If for some reason you’re still having issues I recommend wearing black underpants. It doesn’t truly solve the problem, but hey, out of sight out of mind. If you get a shitstain in the middle of the woods in black underpants when no one is around, did it ever really happen? I say no. And if by some chance none of that is not working my last piece of advice would be to gain extra weight so your butt gets bigger. One of the few benefits to a really a deep asscrack so your buttflesh creates a canyon for the crap remnants to be cradled and held instead of pushed right out into the undies. Good luck, Linda!

Eating Taco Bell while wearing briefs is the skidmark equivalent of doing donuts.

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