Ask McFartnuggets: “I Got a Cut on My Butthole and It Won’t Heal!”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Without getting into too much graphic detail, I was experimenting with an origami dildo I made and wound up with a wound on my butthole. It’s not a huge gash, but it’s not healing. Whenever it has some time to heal I end up having to take a poop and then I wipe my ass and the friction from the toilet paper rips the cut back open. I’m really afraid now that because it’s so close to my poop it’s going to get infected which will only make things worse. What can I do to heal this butt cut?! -- Maurice from Sarasota, Florida

Dear Maurice:
If it’s a minor cut I would recommend using a liquid bandage topical application that will help seal the wound. Now you will likely have to get someone you trust to do this for you, but if you can’t stand the embarrassment and you’re coordinated enough you can always bend over in front of a full length mirror and do it yourself. Then, and this is an added step, but you can also eat lots of chocolate and cheese to try to constipate yourself to give that “butt cut” as you put it, more time to heal. The more hours you’re not spreading those cheeks on a toilet seat and putting pressure on the anus the better. Good luck!

Yeah that might take awhile to heal...

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