Ask McFartnuggets: “If Shoes Are Called Kicks Why Aren’t Gloves Called Punches?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I always hear children these days referring to their footwear as “kicks.” They say “Hey bitch look at my kicks!” Okay that’s fine, but if they’re going to call their shoes “kicks” then why don’t they call gloves “punches”? Wouldn’t that be the logical analogue? I don’t hear these same kids saying “It’s chilly out my hands are dry I need to wear some punches!” Why? -- Tarra from Peoria, Illinois

Dear Tara:
Well there are a few things wrong with calling gloves “punches.” For one, punches already exist, as in fruit punches. There really aren’t any other things called kicks aside from the actual foot motion. Also, I don’t think that gloves are the hand equivalent of shoes. Gloves are to hands as socks are to feet. The hand equivalent of shoes would have to be like a gauntlet or brass knuckles. Then again, maybe mittens are more like hand socks. Either way, calling gloves “punches” just sounds weird. I think the reason for that is putting shoes on actually helps you kick things. Shoes protect your feet and give your feet more ability to injure people. When you have gloves on the opposite effect takes place. Punching someone when you have gloves in actually takes some energy off their face and/or crotch. Therefore, calling gloves “punches” just doesn’t make sense. To be fair though, calling shoes “kicks” doesn’t really make sense either. You wouldn’t call a condom a “fuck.” Basically these kids are just making this shit up as they go and there’s no logic governing their decisions. Hope that helps!

Let's call helmets "headbutts" while we're at it.

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