Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Women Want Chocolate for Valentine’s Day?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
My girlfriend is always complaining about how she’s gaining weight and always asking me if she looks fat then on Valentine’s Day she gets mad if I don’t get her a giant box of chocolates. What the hell is that? That’s like if I complained all year about how we aren’t having sex enough and then on Valentine’s Day I took a vow of celibacy. Why do women get away with this insane behavior? Why do they want chocolate so bad on Valentine’s Day? Is there some sort of mythic connection between chocolate and the vagina like there is with the moon and tides? -- Lenny from Concord, New Hampshire

Dear Lenny:
The origins of chocolate being given as a gift on Valentine’s Day are traced back to Richard Cadbury, the son of John Cadbury the founder of the famous Cadbury chocolate company. Richard Cadbury came up with the idea of putting chocolate in a heart shaped box because he knew women would eat it up, literally. They did and from that day on it’s a tradition that still exists now. Most people like chocolate, but for women it’s kind of like an identity thing the same way a lot of men identify with watching combat sports. Women can enjoy combat sports too the same way a man can indulge in chocolate, but there are gender related connotations there. Therefore, Valentine’s Day is the vaginal equivalent of a UFC event where you have to do stupid things like buy chocolate in a heart box which is the estrogen version of cheering on two men elbowing each other in the skulls.

You could probably sell this for quite a lot on eBay!

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