Ask McFartnuggets: “How Young is Too Young to Let My Son Drink Coffee?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I have a 2-year-old named Tyrus and whenever I was drinking my coffee in the morning he reached out with both hands and said “Give me! GIVE ME!” After five hundred “Give me’s” I finally gave in and let him have a sip. Well he loved it and a sip became two and two became three to the point where he’s getting his own quad grande latte every day before preschool (with my breast milk added obvz). A couple of the other parents were making remarks about how that’s not healthy, but I’ve been researching and I can’t find any studies that definitively say coffee is bad for babies. So what’s the scoop? -- Theresa from St. Paul, Minnesota

Dear Theresa:
The thing is that coffee contains caffeine which is a stimulant. Stimulants are drugs. Now not all drugs are created equal, but caffeine makes people jittery, nervous, energetic, and gassy. All of those things are traits children should have normally without coffee so giving them more of that would probably be a bad thing. Adults drink coffee because it gives them the extra energy they need to survive through the day, energy that should come naturally but has been slowly leached out of their spirit throughout the years. Children should already have that spirit and so they should probably wait until their souls are crushed later in life before they start calling on the coffee gods to replenish their life force, so to speak. Kudos for putting your breast milk into the coffee to make a latte though, that was a nice touch. I can’t say the same about using the term “obvz” though. You’re the parents of another human being. You can’t be using words like that routinely. The future of America depends on you using full, real words.

Don't let your children be seduced by latte art.

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