Retro Wrigley's Gum Commercial

This commercial was banned mostly due to the last few seconds that many critics claimed had absolutely nothing to do with gum.

Shocking Heart Disease Warning Signs

Some medical study claims that people with calves smaller than 13 inches in circumference are at higher risk to develop Heart Disease. This must be a big relief for all the obese people out there whose calves are WAYYYY bigger than 13 inches around. Seriously, who did this study? What are you fucking stupid? I'm pretty sure someone with 50 inch calves that merge right into the foot without any ankle in between is at higher risk of heart problems than someone with 10 inch calves. What is the medical reason for this anyway? The same study said if you have a diagonal crease in your earlobe you're also at high risk for heart disease, but most people with creased, wrinkled earlobes are old as fuck and already at a fairly high risk for heart disease. Another sign of increased risk of heart disease they mentioned was clubbed fingernails. Let me tell you something, if you have fingernails that look like this:

  and you don't know something's wrong and aren't seeing a doctor already then fuck it, you're dead already.

Are Earthquakes Happening More Frequently?

Decades ago, you never used to hear about that many earthquakes occurring, but these days there's a new one in the news every week! When this is brought up, most geologists say the number of earthquakes we're experiencing is perfectly average because we get thousands of earthquakes every day they're just small so we don't have to worry about them. My theory is that we may be getting around the same number of earthquakes, but they're gaining in magnitude. I looked it up on Wikipedia and what I found was startling.

Here are the cases of major earthquakes in the 1970's

 

So that's 7 notable earthquakes in 4 years. The 1973 page had NONE. What happens when we take a look at a more recent year like 2010?

That's like a hundred in six months. There's no way that's a coincidence. The only way you could dispute these findings is by saying people didn't care as much about earthquakes in the 70's, but THEY WERE EARTHQUAKES! People have always cared about earthquakes. You don't feel the entire ground shake under your feet and go "Oh, that was interesting" then act like it didn't happen, you write it down! Now we know there are way more powerful quakes occurring. The question becomes why? And how can we survive when the next one makes Richter himself shit his pants.

Classic 80's Atari Commercial

Atari was great fun for the whole family, unlike the consoles today. Try playing Call of Duty Black Ops 2 with your grandmother and see what happens. Odds are the visuals will overwhelm her senses and snap her into a stroke, at least that's what happened to mine.

Creative Christmas Tree Ideas

If you're like me then you don't like doing the same damn thing every single year and you like to spice things up for the holidays. That means taking a break from the usual tradition of a Christmas tree and trying something new and inventive. If you're as adventurous as me, go down to the local morgue and steal a corpse (the larger the better) and then stick that in the corner of your living room and decorate it with popcorn string and cold cuts. The nice thing about this is it will definitely be a conversation starter when family arrives and surely make for an unforgettable Christmas. The other nice thing is it's not nearly as much of a fire hazard as a normal Christmas tree. Yes there are certain combustible gases that the human body produces even postmortem and your morgue's embalming fluid may or may not be flammable, but it's still no match for a bone dry Christmas tree in a firestarting contest.  Get it? MATCH? Eh get the fuck outta here! Lastly, this is a great idea because with a rotting corpse you'll never forget to take it down before April. You can test your luck, but waiting too long will give your nosy ass neighbors more time to alert the authorities.

Why It's Bad To Win The Lottery

Now THAT is a fine vehicle!

As we all know, the lottery can end up destroying people's lives even when they win. I never play it because I know that even if I did win, I'd instantly have leeches all over me trying to take the money away like family and the IRS. The minute everyone found out I won my parents would be calling me up talking about their unpaid medical bills and funds they need for their shitty liver surgeries and I'd have to rush around hiding from them. I would have wanted to take some time and scout out the right island to buy, but the pressure of all the women claiming to have my children calling me asking for child support might rush me into a bad decision. I might run too many red lights and crash my Maserati right into a school or something. I might purchase an island that I thought was safe, but turns out to have a deadly monster or crazed savage natives hidden on it. And the worst thing about winning the lottery is no matter how much money you have, you still can't do super illegal things. The whole point of money is power and the whole point of power is you can do whatever you want, but no matter how much money you have you can't go to your job with a wrecking ball and smash the entire building apart at 10 AM while laughing maniacally through giant concert speakers. So what's the point?

Classic 1-800-Dentist Commercial

When you have a dental problem, is talking on the phone really the best way to find a solution? This lady seems to think so.

Scientist Finds Bigfoot DNA on Blueberry Bagel

DALLAS, Nov. 24--A team of scientists can verify that their 5-year long DNA study, currently under peer-review, confirms the existence of a novel hominin hybrid species, commonly called “Bigfoot” or “Sasquatch,” living in North America. Researchers’ extensive DNA sequencing suggests that the legendary Sasquatch is a human relative that arose approximately 15,000 years ago as a hybrid cross of modern Homo sapiens with an unknown primate species.

 Ketchum says her DNA sample was obtained from a blueberry bagel left in the backyard of a Michigan home that, according to the owner, sees regular visits from Sasquatch creatures.

Okay so how about we gather up a shitload of blueberry bagels and put them in this backyard with night vision cameras rigged up all around? Oh that's right because this is bullshit. If this Bigfoot thinks blueberry bagels are something then wait till it finds out about blueberry MUFFINS!  There'll be DNA everywhere and the true myth will be uncovered. What's disturbing about this is that it means the DNA found clearly belongs to a human and that's a bad sign for Michigan. I think at the rate our society and education is deteriorating it won't be long until people are actually giving birth to Bigfoot creatures. And if you've seen any kids these days there's a solid chance this is already happening.

Women With Too Many Pets

A new study says that a quarter of women polled would leave a man if their pets didn't like him. This isn't that big of a deal though considering that quarter of women are probably the ones living in an animal dungeon soaked in cat piss. If you value your pet's opinion over your own then it's probably best if you end a relationship because that's only going to get worse. What happens if you get pregnant and your cats don't like the new baby? Will you give it up for adoption? Again, probably better if you do since you're clearly incapable of raising a child properly with this type of logic. Fortunately nature won't let it get that far. Your brain subconsciously overvalues the opinions of your cat to help avoid such instances from ever occurring. It's amazing how life works sometimes.

Nasty Taco Bell Commercial From The 80's

Taco Bell has been giving people the liquid rocket shits for longer than any of us care to remember. In many cases our brain chemistry has forcefully sealed the memories away to protect ourselves from further trauma. It's scary to think about what used to be on the TB menu before it achieved its now famous reputation as an ex-lax alternative. In fact, I'm craving a Border Shake right now!

"Boy Meets World" Sequel "Girl Meets World"

Turns out Cory and Topanga had unprotected sex and made a daughter. Now the daughter has a new show on the TGIF lineup called "Girl Meets World". A lot of people are glad this show is being made, but I'm not. I remember when Cory and Topanga were 5-years-old and now I'm watching them raise a kid? If I wanted that experience I could just give a shit about my friends' kids, but I don't because they're stupid. I'm not even sure why sitcoms still exist. The "Two and a Half Men" kid recently said his own show is garbage and I'm surprised he didn't go on naming more shows. I think there have been enough sitcom episodes made in the 80's and 90's to last a lifetime without producers reviving old series. So first "Boy Meets World" then twenty years later "Girl Meets World", what's next in another twenty years? "Tranny Meets World"? I bet that's what's going to happen. Cory and Topanga's daughter is going to go through gender identification issues and start taking testosterone because she thinks she's a man. That's going to be great for the kids to watch!

"I Want My 2 Minutes Back!"

Whenever I read the comments on some YouTube video of a guy fucking a honeydew melon there's inevitably loads of comments that say "I WANT MY FORTY MINUTES BACK!" First off, you should be praising the fact that I lasted that long. Second, if your time is THAT important to you, what the hell are you doing sitting there watching YouTube videos?! Shouldn't you be out using that time on something more noble and satisfying? The bottom line is if you're browsing around for pumpkinfucking videos on the internet your time is automatically worthless. You're better off just saving the extra five minutes it takes you to type a sentence and moving on to the next ridiculous thing you're going to stare at.

Using the sentence "I want my eight minutes back!" is indicative of a lower intellect. Did Einstein or Da Vinci watch videos of a cat licking its balls and proclaim "I WANT MY 30 SECONDS BACK!"? No, and odds are even if they could have they wouldn't have. A smarter person can articulate their complaints much more effectively. If you're upset at someone stealing your time by you willingly clicking on a video and using that time to watch it to the end, guess what? The return policy is VOID. No one eats a 5 Dollar Footlong that tastes like shit and says "I want the 5 minutes I used to eat that sandwich back!" You ask for your money back or for a better sandwich, but in the case of a free video there's been no such commodity to purchase. Even IF there was, you already ate the sandwich, there's nothing anyone can do about it now. If your time is so valuable I suggest you bail out before a shitty video ends (like anyone with a brain would do) instead of watching it to its conclusion then spending additional time making an absurd request that is impossible to be fulfilled.

Important Black Friday Lessons For Everyone

R.I.P. Lady that was in my way

I learned a lot this past Black Friday. Looking across a field of chaos and death is something every person should experience at least once in their lives. Bonfires roasting Furbies, two old men beating each other to death over a Craftstman hand saw, the winner of the battle then plugging it in and using it on the fallen old man, blood spraying in all directions, children screaming. Just another Black Friday? NOT QUITE! I picked up a few tips this time around.

First, if you see any human teeth on the floor don't just go "EAghh" and walk away. PICK THEM UP. Save them in your pocket because then you can put them under your pillow that night and the Tooth Fairy will give you some extra holiday spending cash for them. It's just as good as a voucher or discount, maybe even better because it requires the least work!

Second, if you've got an elderly lady in an Israeli military rear naked choke hold and she starts tapping out, DO NOT let go. If you're in a cage that's fine, but when you're in Wal-Mart it's anything goes and you can't be surprised if you release the hold and she then canes you in the nuts. That's perfectly legal on Black Friday.

And last, wear your iPod or Walkman or Microsoft Zune because it's better to not hear the screams and cries that ring out from babies and people being mutilated by the Yo Gabba Gabba toys. Just block it out and keep moving else the shrieks will continue to haunt your dreams even days later.

Horrible Old AT&T Commercial

The 80's were a time of very shocking advertising and this particular AT&T commercial was the first to ever feature the concept of a "Polynesian Spin-Fuck Chair". To this point it had only been a myth and no one was really sure it even existed if you can believe that. These days of course we all know they are real and even our grandma uses one from time to time.

Why Can't You Pet Bomb Sniffing Dogs?

Most of the time when you see a sniffer dog in the airport it's got a collar or neckerchief that says "DO NOT PET". When I go up and I try to pet the dog anyway, the security dude tells me I'm "threatening national security". Really? Threatening national security? Look, if this dog is distracted by petting enough that it can't do it's job then fire it and get one that can focus. That should be a test. If petting the dog breaks the system down then terrorists will just pet the dogs, it doesn't take a genius to figure that out. But I found a loophole around that because while it may say "Do not pet" it says nothing about flipping the dog over and rubbing its fluffy belly. So that's what I do. Usually I'm tasered shortly thereafter, but I can't help it. I see a doggie and I want to rub it with my hands, that's human instinct. And if we're going to be fucking with human instinct and stopping people from living their lives the way they want and intruding on freedoms then haven't the terrorists already won? What's the point?

Buying Powerball Tickets As Christmas Gifts

Now that the Powerball jackpot is up over 400 million that thankfully gives me a chance to get all my holiday shopping done at a single 7-Eleven. Powerball tickets are the best possible gift to give someone this holiday season because if you lose then you can still give them the ticket as a gift, but if you win you can pretend like it was never meant to be a gift, keep all the money for yourself and buy a nice Furby for everyone on your list. The holidays allow you to get a shitload more tickets than you would normally be able to because you're spending all your gift money on $1 tickets. These are especially good gifts for the elderly since you can give them old tickets that have already lost and their vision isn't sharp enough to see the date on it so they think it could still win and it gets their hopes up which makes them feel special and that is all that matters even if it's only for a day. The holiday season is about making other people feel good and that's what the lottery is all about! You get children's hopes up about Santa showing up and he never comes so how is this any different? It's not. Well some say he does "come" but that's a whole other story about egg nog that I don't even want to get into right now.

Ronald McDonald Anti-Drug PSA

In the 1980's it was a popular thing for celebrities to do anti-drug public service announcements. The trend sort of died down after this one featuring Ronald McDonald as they were seen as more advertising for drugs and making their effects seem almost pleasurable. If anything could save this disaster it was a special succinct cameo at the end from a trusted and beloved icon.

Hefty Woman Arrested For Riding Manatee

No that's not Bob Hoskins.

A woman was arrested after being caught violating Florida's Manatee Sanctuary Act and could face up to 60 days in jail. The woman apparently turned herself in after someone caught her in the act of brutalizing an innocent manatee. Normally when a woman rides a manatee no one cares because a manatee is a giant aquatic cow-like creature with the strength of twenty men, but when the woman looks like this... The law must intervene.

I honestly didn't know riding a manatee was illegal. I guess that means if you were to turn your father in he'd be spending the rest of his life behind bars! (That's a joke about how large your mother is). Of course I'm joking, we all know your parents are no longer having sexual relations and thank god! We wouldn't want anyone photographing that by accident because that's damage on society that no amount of incarceration could even begin to repair. But seriously, leave these sad fat beasts alone. They've done nothing to hurt anyone before and we should leave them in peace. I know you want to be one with nature, but if you really love nature you'll leave it the fuck alone when the law dictates.

Can Hollywood Cool It With The Zombies Already?

"World War Z" is the next big zombie movie coming out and according to Wikipedia, roughly 570 zombie films have been made during the course of human history. Since zombie movies are a genre within the genre of horror, 570 zombie movies is basically the same thing as 570 "Terminator" movies which is ridiculous. There have been like eight "Saw" movies and everyone knows that's wrong so why is 570 zombie movies okay? Even the "Scary Movie" people knew when to take a break.

It seems like people flock to zombie movies the same way actual zombies go toward brains. Maybe if Hollywood had more brains they could come up with different concepts so people wouldn't be subjected to the same idea over and over again. Ultimately the success of zombie films is a reflection of how society itself is becoming zombified. The masses are becoming more and more numb to stimulus the way zombies can't feel pain, but instead of eating people we consume the latest tech gadget. We love zombie movies because it's like looking into the future at a world we subconsciously know is coming. We want to prepare for it mentally so it's not as much of a shock. Maybe there will be zombies, but odds are they'll be the bath salts kind that can run fast and look just like regular ol' crackheads. Unfortunately, there's no way to prepare for that. If we continue down this path of repetitive and trite behavior becoming zombies is inevitable. I wonder then when we're all zombies, will we make way too many movies about normal people?

Creepy Gymnastics Beer Commercial

No one really knows what was going through Bud Light's mind when he came up with this one, but if the goal was to creep the hell out of people then Bud Light surely succeeded.

Mitt Romney's Sesame Street Thanksgiving

It all makes sense now. Mitt Romney was having trouble finding a Thanksgiving turkey big enough for his entire family so he targeted "Sesame Street" in the hopes he could easily capture a homeless Big Bird. If you thought repairing the American economy was a big job just imagine basting and stuffing that giant son of a bitch! It would seem that after losing the election, Romney had plenty of time on his hands and the pent up energy to burn. We cannot yet confirm that Romney and his family have actually caught or eaten Big Bird, but the rumors are swirling. If it did happen then when you add this to Elmo quitting after rape accusations, this would be one of the worst weeks ever on Sesame Street. What's next? Is Mr. Snuffleupagus going to get trunk cancer?!

R.I.P. Big Bird

Worst Frosted Flakes Commercial Ever

If there's anything Frosted Flakes is known for it's annihilating the dental health of children, but they're also known for their commercials. Many parents complained to television stations about the dark nature of this particular ad as it dealt with both gender identification issues and death, two things not normally associated with breakfast.

The "Turkey Makes You Sleepy" Tryptophan Myth

Every Thanksgiving someone has to make a remark about how eating too much turkey makes them sleepy and someone says "It's because of the Tryptophan!" I'm getting tired of this bullshit. Studies say there is no more Tryptophan in turkey than any other meat normally consumed by humans. Even if there were, when was the last time you saw a turkey sleeping? Don't you think you'd be sleeping a lot if you were MADE of Tryptophan? The fact of the matter is you're sleepy on Thanksgiving because you just ate way too much food and it's approaching the EVENING which is usually when humans begin to feel drowsy as they prepare for the daily act of "sleep". Also, I'm pretty sure the fifth of whiskey you drank isn't helping, Uncle Steve. If turkey really makes you fall asleep then why aren't insomniacs prescribed BUTTERBALL? Because it's all bullshit, that's why.

Global Methane Levels Hit All-Time High

Are your farts killing the planet?

From: The World Meteorological Organization:

The amount of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere reached a new record high in 2011, according to the World Meteorological Organization. Between 1990 and 2011 there was a 30% increase in radiative forcing – the warming effect on our climate – because of carbon dioxide (CO2) and other heat-trapping long-lived gases.

With this news coming out just after Thanksgiving, the question is how much of an impact does post-Thanksgiving dinner farting impact the greenhouse gas problem? If cow farts can add a substantial amount of harmful methane to the atmosphere surely my Uncle Dave is doing his part after consuming way too much stuffing. What can be done? Why isn't there a vacuum we can place over our assholes after a big dinner to fart into that filters the methane into a less damaging gas? You can talk about electric cars and solar energy all you want, but we cannot ignore the threat of mass American flatulence that occurs shortly after big holiday meals. Until a permanent solution is discovered the best you can do is avoid farting outdoors and try to stay away from too much roughage and excessive fiber intake.

The Best Way To Carve A Turkey

Every year on Thanksgiving my family argues back and forth about the best way to carve the turkey. Ultimately we end up letting "Crazy Billy" my epileptic cousin with dental braces cut up the bird by holding it up to his mouth while we turn on a bunch of strobe lights. He shreds that fucking turkey to bits like a combine harvester and makes it so tender that it melts right in your mouth. THAT is the best way to carve a damn turkey. It's almost like a puree or mashed turkey hash, I seriously recommend you try it. It's great for grandma especially after her jaw is broken from backyard football (sorry nana!). But if you're like most families you don't have an epileptic 34-year-old with insanely malformed teeth so you'll just have to settle for using a knife of some sort like a bunch of boring assholes.

How Do I Tell If Spaghetti Is Done Cooking?

People in the culinary world argue about the best way to judge when spaghetti is cooked just right. Some people say you should take handful out of the pot and throw it against the wall to see if it sticks, but I've found the best way is to take a piece out and eat it. Then based on that you can decide whether it needs to be cooked longer. I guess if you want to look like a lunatic you can throw the spaghetti against the wall. Throw some up onto the ceiling while you're at it. If it sticks then it's done. Just make sure to throw it up over the pot so if it's not ready it will fall back down into the pot and you won't waste pasta. Just don't throw too much because then it's ready, but it'll all be attached to your ceiling and you'll have to pull a stepladder out with a spatula like a goddamn psycho. If that's too much you can always throw the pot of spaghetti into someone's face and if they comment the pasta is a little too tender then you know you ruined it and should try again.

PETA Doesn't Want Obama To Pardon Turkeys

The President of PETA asked President Obama NOT to pardon two turkeys from being slaughtered because it "makes light of turkey slaughter". Does pardoning two turkeys really make people take turkey slaughter any less seriously than if they weren't pardoned at all? The President is saving two turkey lives. If animals are so important then surely saving two lives is worth the effort no matter what. Why don't we ask those two turkeys if they want to be pardoned or not. Isn't the whole point of treating animals ethically to respect the feelings of animals? All turkeys care about is their own lives, they have no consciousness of the overwhelming genocide affecting their species and it's probably best if we keep it that way. No one wants to eat a psychologically damaged Holocaust turkey. Maybe PETA would have preferred John McCain won in 2008, died in office and let Sarah Palin become President because she damn sure wouldn't be pardoning any turkeys. Why would PETA ask to end this tradition instead of ask to add more turkeys to the list of those pardoned? Wouldn't that be a more proactive and realistic approach? You can keep adding a turkey to the list every year until one day there are thousands of turkeys being pardoned and Thanksgiving becomes a day of victory for the turkey liberation movement.

Creative Ways To Help The Homeless

Giving gifts to homeless people is probably one of the best things you can do during the holiday season, but everyone always gives the same shit, clothes, food, and money. Here are ten things you can get for a homeless person that most people don't think of:

10). Q-tips. When you're homeless one of the first luxuries you forget about is q-tips. This holiday season, give the gift that keeps on giving, the orgasmic feeling of pushing a q-tip a little too far into your ear canal and rubbing the sides of your head pussies. PLUS it helps clean out ear wax so they can hear danger and threats that might have gone unnoticed with ears full of wax.

9). Porn magazines. Just make sure you get the proper ones, ask a hobo what he likes first. Don't just thrust "Barely Legal" at him assuming he's into that shit, be a little more caring than that.

8). Dog. If you see a hobo who's lonely, give him a dog from a kennel and save two lives at once.

7). Drugs. Yes drugs are bad, but a lot of hobos are drug addicts and by getting the drugs FOR THEM you assume the risk and thereby protect the hobo from any possible dangers that might arise from a bad deal.

6). Vodka or Gin. These are fairly pure alcohol spirits with limited sugar that help keep someone warm as well as act like Listerine to combat bad breath.

5). Gum. When was the last time you saw a hobo chewing gum? Usually they're chewing their tongue or nothing because their mouths are so dry! Help them juice it up! 4 out of 5 dentists recommend chewing Trident after a meal when brushing and flossing isn't available.

4). Cologne or perfume. Now this might seem insulting at first, but everyone likes to smell good and a sweet smelling hobo is more likely to obtain public donations.

3). Take them to a movie. After a hobo has the perfume on, take her to a movie. "Skyfall" is out and it's great. Going to the movies to see a thrilling blockbuster action movie is something people who have houses take for granted.

2). A personalized dinner. Bring a hobo home. It doesn't have to be Thanksgiving, it can be any night. Fix a nice home cooked meal and light a candle for ambiance.

1). Sex. Help a homeless person feel loved again. Do whatever you feel you can, don't force it. If the feelings are there then let it happen organically, if not, I'm sure a simple hand job or fingering will suffice.

Satanic Folgers Commercial

The best part of waking up is el Diablo in your cup.

Fun Thanksgiving Green Bean Casserole Prank

Thanksgiving is the holiday of pranks and one of the best Thanksgiving pranks has to be inviting a bunch of hobos to your family's house. It's a great prank because not only is it fun to see how your family reacts, but more importantly it helps people. It feels really good to give people a great homemade meal and when it's on Thanksgiving it feels even better. The trick is to get as many hobos as you can and have them all blow their nose in a big cooking pan then pass around the pan and have each person pick off a scab and toss it in, shake dandruff in it, and masturbate onto it. When your aunt asks what it is tell her you brought Green Bean Casserole. Of course if there are any young female hobos (which is not as common) you can have them menstruate in an empty tin can and let that coagulate then tell everyone it's cranberry sauce. Isn't Thanksgiving fun! So what do ya say? Get some hobos to come to your Thanksgiving! And I mean "come" two ways.

The News is Bullshit

First we heard the attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi was about an anti-Muslim YouTube video and then we found out that's not true. Then we heard that Hostess was going out of business and were later told it was going to be saved, but then found out it actually IS going out of business. Then we heard out the man who voices Elmo had raped a child. We later were told the charges were dropped, but that was bullshit because he actually did rape. Now we hear that Israel and Hamas are close to reaching a cease fire and they still haven't. It seems like every single news story out there right now is something that could be found out to be the complete opposite within an hour and no one would see it coming. News never used to be like that, either someone was dead or they weren't.

These days the news wants to report on the hottest topics that will get people's attention like gossip and those stories tend to be fluid. One day Christina Aguilera is bulimic, the next she's way too fat. That's all well and good for entertainment news where none of that shit actually matters, but when you're reporting about Hostess cupcakes I think you owe it to the world to show a little more respect for the FACTS and stop coming right out of the gate proclaiming bankruptcy then saying OH but wait they could still negotiate something, and then oh no it didn't work out sorry to get your hopes up! Well I got my hopes up! And now I'm crying tears of melted butter AGAIN for the second time in a fucking week because of this roller coaster news cycle that tries to make a fortune from twisting people around like nipples. If I want a roller coaster ride, I'll go on the Mad Tea Party at Disneyland, asshole! The news knew all along that Hostess was going to have final negotiations to try and fix their situation, but they wouldn't report that because they wanted the shock factor of Hostess going out of business. Then when that shock dissipated they brought the story back like a movie sequel and now that Hostess is out of business they got three news stories out of one actual event. And who knows, maybe Hostess isn't actually gone. Who the hell knows anymore?! It's all full of crap. With news being a commodity we should be getting used to purposely withheld facts and rationing of information. A TV series won't tell you the entire plot in one episode, they'll stretch it out for as long as they can as long as the ratings stay high.

Why Are There So Many Concussions in the NFL?

With quarterbacks like Jay Cutler, Alex Smith, and Michael Vick currently out with concussions, a lot of focus is being put on the NFL and what they're doing about player safety. Concussions are nothing new in football and you can argue about how the players need better helmets, but the real blame falls on the offensive linemen. The simple fact is that the majority of players who suffer from concussions are offensive players, more specifically, quarterbacks. In the case of a quarterback, this is usually one of the skinniest fucks on the field being chased to death by some of the biggest fucks in the world. That's a pretty simple recipe for a concussion. Though this has been the formula for football since its inception, something has changed. Concussions seem to be more common these days and I think it's because the defensive lineman and linebackers are becoming too fast and strong for the offensive lineman and fullbacks.

In the past decade we've seen defensive ends, linebackers, and safeties evolve tremendously, but have offensive linemen evolved? Not well enough apparently! If you take a look at the offensive lines guarding Jay Cutler, Alex Smith, and Michael Vick there's one thing in common, they're not the strong point of their respective teams. In fact, they are pretty much the main weakness. If you can't protect the quarterback he's going to have his bell rung and he's going to suffer a concussion. There's nothing the NFL can do about that without compromising the rules and thereby ruining the excitement of an NFL game. The one thing you CAN do is get better offensive linemen and work on better blocking schemes with fullbacks and tight ends. When you look at Peyton and Eli Manning you'll notice that that they're rarely out with concussions. It seems like Peyton Manning hasn't been hit at all this season. Why? Because his offensive line is OFF DA HOOK. It's pretty simple. So before you start changing the rule book or making players wear ridiculously large helmets, why not focus on the most obvious problem first?

Columbine Killer's Mom Prayed For His Suicide

In an interview for some book, the mother of one of the Columbine shooters said that when she heard there was a shooting and her son was a suspect, she prayed for his suicide. That's an odd thing to pray for. The thing about praying is, you can pray for ANYTHING. Why not pray that what she heard was just a lie or that everyone magically recovered from their wounds? No, she chose to pray that her son kill himself. Prayer answered! Funny how you pray for the things that are incredibly likely... This woman had previously claimed in another book that she had no inkling her son was suicidal. So if you never had any idea this kid was capable of suicide and he needed to be locked up in an asylum to protect others, how could your first thought be that he commits suicide? If suicide is a recurring theme in a household then I could understand that, but to just jump right into suicide as a prayer request, that's a bit much. The fact of the matter is Columbine is old news and this lady needs to stop making books. You don't see the Virginia Tech shooter's mom writing essays for Oprah's Book Club! I mean she probably doesn't speak English, but even if she did that wouldn't happen because normally when your son goes off on a killing spree you try to avoid being in the news from then on out.

Elmo Quits Sesame Street After Assaulting Child

How could you, Elmo!?

It seems that now perhaps it would've been best if Mitt Romney were elected President if only to destroy PBS and "Sesame Street". It has been learned that a man does the voice of Elmo! And if THAT'S not shocking enough, he's has had sex with a 15-year-old boy! There was some dispute about that, but now that Elmo has quit the show, it's basically an admission of full guilt.

This is awful news for "Sesame Street", a show that has been under a lot of scrutiny since Mitt Romney voiced his will to annihilate it. "Sesame Street" definitely seems like a sinking ship with this horrible news not to mention they had The Count die just last August. Who can look at a Tickle Me Elmo the same way now? I gave Elmo the benefit of the doubt. I assumed the boy who is now a man was lying for money, but now it appears that furry red son-of-a-bitch is guilty. This is a very important news story for people to follow especially if they were planning to give a child a Tickle Me Elmo this holiday season. That would be a god awful present considering what has happened. You do NOT want a child playing with a toy that makes the voice of a rapist. I guess I should have seen this coming I mean Elmo is technically a "monster". This is what monsters do. Monsters destroy lives. They destroy our dreams and the dreams of our children.


 

Hostess and Israeli-Hamas Talks Fall Through

Yesterday it seemed like everyone was hopeful Israel could reach an agreement with Hamas about a cease fire truce and since then air strikes in Gaza have continued into the night. To make matters even worse Hostess negotiations with the Twinkie labor union have failed and now Hostess definitely will proceed with bankruptcy. What the hell is going on here? What is wrong with people? Everyone knows Hostess should stay in business and everyone knows Israelis and Palestinians should stop killing each other, (well except for health nuts and anti-Semite folks) and still these groups can't come to terms. I think the perfect solution to all these problems would be for Hostess workers to go back to the factories and bake their diabetes cakes then sell them through a special promotion where a portion of the proceeds go to benefit victims of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The funds created would not only help human lives overseas, but more importantly save Hostess from being liquidated. If this were to happen then both Israeli and Palestinian supporters would be donating to the same thing in the name of obesity and perhaps that gesture could unite humanity under the warming blubber of hope.

Silly Ass Coffee Commercial

Here's another Silly Ass Coffee Commercial aka SACC. Take a lick. Go ahead! Take a lick of this SACC!

Idaho Zoo Burglar Kills Monkey

The man in Idaho accused of breaking into a zoo and beating a monkey to death has been arrested and is now facing felony burglary and grand theft charges. How is he not being charged for the murder of the monkey? Are you fucking kidding me? This man caused fatal blunt force trauma to a patas monkey and he's just going to skate on that charge? The zoo claims that the loss of the monkey is hitting everyone there pretty hard, but I've yet to read an article where the monkey's name is stated. Are they keeping it secret until the monkey's family and next of kin are notified? No I think they just never gave it a name and now that it's dead they're trying to act all outraged, but they aren't pressing charges because they really never gave a shit. That's just fucked up. Maybe it's that type of indifference that allowed this break-in and murder to begin with! Where is the accountability? And what is being done to prevent this in the future? I want answers and not for me, but for the family and loved ones of this unnamed monkey who I will name Tragic Jeffrey. Rest in peace Jeffrey, my sweet prince.

Study Claims Apes Go Through Midlife Crisis

Some scientific journal recently published a study called "Evidence for a midlife crisis in great apes". Basically the researchers found depression in middle aged apes and then labeled that a "midlife crisis". That's a sack of crap. In order for it to be a midlife crisis, the apes would need to be aware that they're getting up there in ape age. I'm not talking about worrying about death, I'm talking about worrying about approaching an advanced age where you're going to need to start worrying about death. Do apes do that? Can apes be aware of how old they are? I tried Asking Jeeves, he doesn't have a damn clue.

We always try to compare behaviors between apes and humans like we're exactly the same. If an old ape is sad, he's having a "midlife crisis". If a man goes insane, they say he "went bananas". The middle aged apes are sad because that's what you do before you're about to die. Your ape joints wear out and you're not having ape sex as often as you were in your early days. That's enough of a reason to be sad. A human midlife crisis involves an ex-wife, stepchildren who hate you, and a sense that you'll leave no lasting legacy in the wake of your impending death. Apes don't have to deal with any of that shit so they can't have real midlife crises.

Cyber Monday is Bullshit

A lot of cowardly Americans who don't have the blood lust and testicles to claw tooth and nail against other people in Best Buy on the Friday after Thanksgiving will opt to engage in "Cyber Monday". I am totally against Cyber Monday, I think it takes fresh meat out of the cage on Black Friday. Now all the wusses who don't want to risk life and limb for a Furby are going to stay home and cyber it up instead of stepping into Hades with rabid warriors of consumption like myself. I mean sure, there will still be loads of old people to beat the shit out of because they're still not comfortable with computers, but when I elbow someone in the chin and stomp on their skull like a springboard to grab a Sony flatscreen I want that skull to be somewhat resilient, not some powdery old elderly skull that just crushes under my foot, that's a gross feeling.

The only "Cyber Monday" I'll be engaged in is having cybersex with my Malaysian pen pal while I brag about all the awesome deals and human teeth I got on Black Friday. Black Friday is one of the last events in America where you get to really test your skills and will against some of the biggest, scariest, angriest women you've ever seen in your life. If I can knock the shit out of THEM, then that confidence carries over throughout the rest of the holiday season. When I hand my stepson a Playstation Vita that I know I murdered seven people in cold blood for, well that just makes that gift that much more meaningful. It's not always the actual gift that matters, it's what a person went through to get it. And as long as Black Friday remains one of the most lethal days in annual American history, every gift I give will have something special about it.

Abusive Husband Folgers Commercial

It's really amazing how poorly men were allowed to treat their wives back in the good old days, but I guess that's why they were the good old days. Personally I think we need to stop focusing so much on the past and move toward the future. And we can start that by watching this old ass commercial!

750 Leg Millipede Breaks World Record

In California, a millipede named Samantha has broken the official world record for most legs possessed by a single living creature with 750. Good job! Just 250 to go before the name "millipede" actually makes sense. I feel bad for the schmuck who has to count all the legs just to make sure they have a record breaker. You have to be counting the legs from other millipedes too just to make sure you've got the right record holder so basically you end up spending your entire life counting millipede legs like an asshole. The fact is I don't think anyone counts the legs and they definitely don't take challengers for the record. There could be thousands of millipedes out there with more than 750 legs and we wouldn't even know it. We don't seek to find them because no one gives a shit. How is this even a news story? I'd have the record for most legs if they didn't require the legs be attached to you. You think you're better than me because your legs are attached to your actual body and my 800 legs are in my basement wrapped in dry ice and aluminum foil? Fuck you, Samantha! FUCK YOU!

Thousands of French People Protest Gay Marriage

The streets of France were filled with tens of thousands of people protesting their government's plans to legalize same-sex marriages. France protesting gay marriage? Sorry, but isn't France one of the gayer countries? You can't be holding baguettes, smoking cigarettes all effeminate with a pencil thin mustache and a beret while riding a bicycle and protest gay marriage. That's highly hypocritical. France protesting gay marriage is like Germany protesting shit-eating porn. I mean yeah I can understand why you might be against it, it's not for everyone, but at the same time, it's an unfortunate stereotype that you're synonymous with for whatever reasons. I guess it's nice to see French people fighting for something again, but don't worry gays, they'll probably surrender soon enough.

NASA's Secret Asteroid Impact Defense Plan

What exactly are our governments doing to protect us from the inevitability of a comet or meteor smashing into Earth? The NASA video I found may be shocking.

Important Tips and Tricks For Black Friday!

Black Friday Madness!

First off, can we start calling it "African American Friday"? No! We can't! This is Black Friday! It's not a time for sensitivity, it's a time for showing up at the closest superstore warehouse with your digestive system all plugged up with turkey and whiskey and jamming your foot up someone's ass to nab a Wii U for 20 bucks off. A lot of people like to research the best deals online before Black Friday, but what they should be doing is taking a Navy SEAL self-defense training course. Here are some other things you need to do:

1). Learn how to use your surroundings and improvise lethal weapons out of ordinary things you might find at a K-Mart like a shelf panel or coat hanger.

2). Bring a bowie knife, it's great for cutting through a crowd.

3). Wear a Kevlar vest underneath your clothing. When you're in a wall-to-wall mass of humanity it's easy for a competitor to shiv and shank people without getting caught. Do not stop this from happening, as it thins the herd, but rather defend yourself so you are not a victim.

4). Wear very big steel-toe boots. You are going to need to step over/on many people on Black Friday, make sure your feet are well protected and comfortable. How do you tell you have the right boots? You should be able to crush a human skull without feeling it under your foot.

5). Bring pepper spray. You could use bear mace on a large group, but a single can of regular ol' riot spray should do just fine in the event someone knocks away your bowie knife.

6). Do lots of Cocaine. I MEAN LOTS. When the fight or flight instincts are activated in your brain you're going to need the confidence and energy to fight. That means going all out Scarface on these bitches.

7). Learn how to break someone's neck with your bare hands.

8)). Have a smoke bomb so after you've made your purchases you can create a diversion that will allow you to escape to your Bat Pod/Toyota Corolla.

9). Try really hard NOT to kill any security guards or cops. Doing that will get you in the news and make you a higher target for law enforcement. Anyone else seems to be fair game these days.

10). Don't be blinded by the percent off you're getting on a sale. Make sure you take a look at the actual specifics of the discount and be wary of any extraneous mail-in rebates or brand specific clauses within the promotion that could lead to a bigger headache than if you bought a competitive product for a slightly higher markup.

And that's it! Just follow those ten tips and you're sure to have an UNFORGETTABLE Black Friday. Good luck and God's speed...

Hostess Bankruptcy Is Huge Setback For Recreational Weed Advocates

Coming off an immense high after Amendment 64 was passed in Colorado, many potheads awoke at 5 PM today to the news that Hostess had gone out of business. Like any real stoner knows, nature is a balance. When one great thing happens, often a tragic thing will follow to level out the tides of the universe. The question must be asked: Could weed smokers have kept Hostess in business if recreational weed was legal all across America? The answer of course is YES. If recreational weed had been passed earlier in all the states it was up for vote in then the subsequent boom in Twinkie sales could have kept Hostess afloat. Pot smokers really dropped the ball on this one, but maybe this is enough of a hit to wake them up this time.

If weed enthusiasts do not work harder to get recreational marijuana legalized across America then many more snack cake companies could be at risk. Little Debbie is shitting in her shoes right now. A lot of weed users are against legal recreational weed because that would put their friends and cousins out of business, but with the death of Hostess perhaps they will see that there is a greater threat looming. We don't live with an economy like the 80's or 90's where you can just sit around watching "Nick Arcade" stoned off your ass eating Slim Jims till the cows come home. There need to be more people doing that and thanks to the health movement brought on by Michelle Obama and her ilk, many more beloved crapfood companies are at serious risk of extinction. Haven't you ever wondered how Slim Jim is still in business? They could be next for all we know! It's time for potheads to get off their asses for the one thing they only ever get off their asses for and that's munchies. If they don't, we might all one day be doomed to a life of jogging, Xanax, and fruit salad.

Recovering From The Twinkie Crisis: What Does America Do Now?

So we've all spent a night or seven crying about how Hostess is going out of business, now we have to rise up in the face of tragedy as all Americans do and look for answers. Where am I going to get Twinkies? Who will make more of them? What can I do to help? Is the Red Cross getting involved?

It's likely that Hostess will sell their recipes to other companies so there is a chance you might one day be forced to buy Twinkies from Little Debbie. I know it's sounds sickening and you might vomit right there in the Wal-Mart, but Twinkie the Kid will understand. It's not like you're Petraeusing Hostess by jumping on board with Lil Debbie. In times of crisis we all band together for the greater good, in this case, poor eating habits.

Also there's always the option to make your own Twinkies. I actually recommend this over anything else. Bake a bunch of sponge cakes, fill them with a mix of Betty Crocker icing, whipped cream, and butter and then cut them into loafs. The only negative is these will spoil unlike Twinkies, but the positive is that you can make them as big as you want and pretend your Twinkie is representative of all the psychokinetic energy in New York City.

Rumor has it, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is compelling Congress to vote on a government bailout of Hostess. This may be a futile effort, but we commend the Governor for fighting for what he believes is right. Hostess is NOT too big to fail, the people who eat it are. And we will not roll over and take this on our sides. We will rise up like after 9/11, helping one another get through this and we will be back fatter than ever!

The Creepiest Doll Commercial Ever

Why are doll commercials so creepy? I don't find dolls creepy at all, but whoever made these commercials was seriously fucked in the brain. I mean who DOES THIS?!

Best Thanksgiving Costume Ideas

Pictured: Guy Fieri.

Thanksgiving is almost here and that means you need to find a good costume to wear to your family's dinner to scare everyone into leaving early. It's important to change it up every year to avoid being boring. A lot of people think Thanksgiving is about the food so they come in the same costume every year. For instance, my aunt is probably dressing up like a whore again. As for me I think I'm going to go as either Guy Fieri or an alcoholic that causes a scene and throws the turkey on the floor for the dogs to eat. Because when you think about it, Thanksgiving is the most cruel holiday for dogs around. It's like being an alcoholic designated driver at a party. Well EXCUSE ME if I let them have a few keg stands. I just hope to god no one tests me, because I WILL knock a bitch out. It's Thanksgiving, the season of giving concussions is upon us!

Woodpecker Attacking NASA Shuttle

NASA had a big problem with woodpeckers back when they used to send people to space. Was Woody the true culprit in the shuttle disasters that had plagued NASA's attempts? This video may shine a new light on what we all once thought.

Is It Legal To Change Your Signature?

Your signature is an important thing. It's what lets FedEx and grocery stores know you're who you say you are. It gives you something besides a penis to write on someone's cast. But signing the same thing over and over again can get boring. Some people are under the impression that it's illegal to change your signature because of how important it is, but the right to sign your name however you want is protected by the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. How else could Prince change his signature from "Prince" to that symbol? Did he write that symbol when that was his name? Probably. Of course he ultimately went back to Prince because just imagine trying to draw that shit on those new electronic signature pads with the plastic stylus. That's a fucking nightmare.

I'm always changing my signature to whatever I feel like because signing "Binkie McFartnuggets" can get tiring and let's face it, most of the time whatever you write is illegible anyway. Sometimes I'll just make a line, sometimes I'll color in every damn pixel in the drawing area, sometimes I'll draw a tree on fire! That's the beauty of America, you can literally do anything you want as long is it's too stupid for people to care about. Right now my current signature is a stick figure orgy and you'd think me telling you that would be threatening my security, but you can't draw it the exact way I do. Do I add cumshots? Who knows. I'll never tell! Even if you knew the details, which stick figure is squirting, which is in doggy style position, it really doesn't matter because I'll probably just change it tomorrow. I've found a way to beat the system and so can you!

Why is Down Syndrome So Offensive?

Cows get labeled too. That's wrong also.

I am getting sick and tired of hearing people say things like "I am so offended by what you said, I have a son who has Down Syndrome!" Look, lady... First of all I was joking. Secondly, how are you going to stand there and say your son has Down Syndrome? Why is that the first thing that comes to your mind? Shouldn't he just be your son? Sure he has a condition and he's been courageous enough to battle through it, but does that mean you have to wear a t-shirt that says it? HE doesn't. No one should be labeled! One lady said to me "I have a son with Down syndrome, but he doesn't look it." Doesn't look it? What is IT? I don't understand what you're trying to say. Are you meaning to say people with Down syndrome are supposed to look a certain way? That's bullshit.

Look, we all need to be able to laugh at ourselves sometimes. I have Down Syndrome. It's never been fully diagnosed, but I've had my suspicions. I don't ever mention it because I don't feel that's important for people to know, though many have guessed. I take pride in having Down syndrome, it's nothing to be ashamed of AT ALL. But when I see people who try to shoot from the hip at whatever they deem offensive I can only help to think that it's part of the problem. Of course whatever offends YOU personally is more important than what other people find humorous. Hitler found Jews offensive and look what happened there. Maybe just because things are offensive to us doesn't mean we have to destroy them. Maybe we need to understand and find out where they're coming from first. If the source is pure, as I am, then there should be no issue.

IKEA Used Forced Labor In Germany?

Furniture corporation IKEA is apologizing for using slave labor in East Germany in the 1980's. Who would have thought Swedish people were capable of such behavior? Aren't Germans usually the aggressors? And what were the laborers doing exactly? I thought all the labor that IKEA furniture requires is on the part of the customer. You basically get a set of wooden slabs with holes in them, that little Allen wrench, and a piece of paper that says "Good luck, fucker!" in Swedish. But if you're like me, you end up just gluing everything together with Elmers and making your own frankenshelves that fall apart and break your antique glass dildo collection. Where's the East German slave labor when you need it!? I don't know why IKEA would choose now to apologize for some shit that no one would have known about anyway. I guess because no one really cares. No one's going to avoid IKEA because they used slave labor in Germany more than two decades ago and IKEA knows that. If IKEA is going to apologize for anything it should be the fact that a trip to their store basically requires and entire day of your life. Shopping for a lamp and a dresser should not require a sherpa. Bottom line, apologies mean very little. IKEA needs to do the right thing and invite all those slave laborers to live inside IKEA. Let them sleep in any of the beds they want with unlimited meatballs for life. It's the only right thing to do.