Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Stop Farting in My Sleep?”

Sleepfarts are why I
never sleep on planes.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I have a vacation coming up overseas and I’m really afraid of flying. I’m not scared of flying because of the usual reasons, I’m scared because I have a problem farting in my sleep. I do it a lot. I always avoid flying because I know if it’s a long flight I’ll have to fall asleep in close quarters with a bunch of other people and my farts will disturb them and embarrass me. I don’t want to be sleeping then wake up with people screaming “I HEARD A BOMB! WE’RE UNDER MISSILE ATTACK! EVASIVE MANEUVERS! EVASIVE MANEUVERS!!!” Of course my anxiety about this only helps to give me more gastrointestinal stress and I end up farting more. Is there anything I can do to stop farting in my sleep even just for a day? -- Linda from Beaumont, Texas

Dear Linda:
Okay I sincerely doubt your farts are THAT loud, but assuming they are, I would avoid eating chili or any spicy things with too much fiber. Try taking beano gas relief pills. I would recommend taping your ass apart with duct tape so the farts don’t make a sound, but the downside to that is it can cause you to crap yourself which of course would be substantially worse. If you’re looking for a drastic solution you could try paralyzing your anus and buttcheeks with a novocaine shot. Of course this is incredibly painful and may not even work. However, there is a chance that by numbing the area of your butt that farts the gas will sort of just push out without too much loud buttcheek resistance since your cheeks won’t be able to tense up to form that horn shape that creates the “toot” of a fart. There is a chance this could cause anal leakage though. I would experiment with it at home before trying it on a real flight.

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