Dumbass Sayings: “The Hess Truck’s Back and it’s Better Than Ever”

Every year around Christmastime, the gas station known as Hess sells a toy truck that absentee fathers can quickly purchase for their son while filling up their pickup. In the commercial they have children singing “The Hess Truck’s back and it’s better than ever!” sung to the tune of “My Boyfriend’s Back” which doesn’t make much sense. The problem I have with this is that it’s simply not true. The Hess Truck may be back, but it’s not better than EVER. For a recent example, the 2010 Hess Truck was a toy truck and a jet plane. The very next year it was a flatbed utility truck and race car. Who the hell wants a flatbed utility truck? If I offered you a jet or a race car, which would you take? Jets are clearly better than race cars, that’s why they were invented. People needed to go faster than cars so they invented planes. In 2012, the Hess Truck was actually a helicopter which was some hot shit, but in 2013 they reached a new low offering a regular Hess Truck and a tractor. A TRACTOR. Now you might make an argument for a race car being better than a jet plane, but you can’t make the argument that a tractor is better than a jet plane. In 1966, Hess sold a tanker ship called the Hess Voyager. It was an oil tanker boat. That was pretty cool, you could play with that in the tub when your mom was out looking for a new boyfriend. The tanker ship of ‘66 was far better than the Hess patrol car of 1993. It was a car that says “Hess” on it with a police siren on top. That didn’t even make logical sense. Does Hess have their own police force? If the Hess Truck is better than ever each year then how the hell does one from 1966 compete with one from 1993? That shouldn’t be possible. The bottom line is you can’t be better than ever every single year. That’s a completely unrealistic goal for a company in regards to toy trucks. They’re bullshitting people and it needs to stop.

Some Hess Trucks from the 60's sell for as much as $2,000. Better than ever, MY ASS.

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